Turkey Shoots Man!!!
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Posted:Apr 29, 2011 11:42 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 2:18 pm
4220 Views
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A Potosi, Mo. man who was showing off a turkey he thought he'd killed, was shot in the leg when the wounded bird thrashed about in the trunk of his truck and triggered a loaded shotgun.
'Apparently, the turkey's are fighting back.' said county sheriff, Ron Skiles.
To make matters worse, it turns out that Larry Lands, around 40, and his , Larry Jr. 16, were hunting a week before the start of the Missouri turkey season, and will be fined, the sheriff said.
According to the associated press, the accident occured after Lands shot the turkey and put it in his truck with the loaded shotgun. They drove to a neighbour's house to show off the bird.
As the pulled the turkey from the trunk, it began struggling and one of it's claws touched the trigger, the sheriff said. The shot went through the side panel of the truck and into the elder Lands' leg.
Lands was in a satisfactory condition in a local hospital.
Potosi is 50 miles southwest of St. Louis.
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The Alternative Matrix : Reloaded.......
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Posted:Apr 22, 2011 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 2:57 pm
4584 Views
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The Matrix : Reloaded:
Behind The Scenes : Inside Exclusive:
In this special report, we look behind the scenes of The Matrix : Reloaded film....
Sets and Locations:
One of the largest scenes used in this film, is the underground cave complex, where the odd rave/disco scene takes place. This is meant to be set in the last remaining city, (except Hull) but we have now discovered that this underground cave complex, is in fact the set for Fraggle Rock. We have since learnt that prior to the start of filming, The Fraggles, who had expressed artistic differences with the makers of this film, were rounded up and shot. Their bodies are believed to have been buried in a shallow mass grave, near the lighthouse.
The American film producers of The Matrix, have since stated that the course of action taken against The Fraggles, was entirely justified, as they had evidence to suggest that The Fraggles had been developing weapons of mass destruction. When pressed on the issue, Colin Powell, who was make-up artist and hair stylist on The Matrix, said that he had a dossier of evidence on The Fraggles, including, evidence that they had been selling depleated uranium to the Doozers. Note: It is important that the term 'Dossier of Evidence', was used in this context, as earlier attempts to convince the public, using a 'Factsheet of Evidence', and a 'Pamphlet of Evidence', did not seem to have the same credibility. This is however, the only context in which the term, 'Dossier', is appropriate, as giving your wife a Dossier listing required items to purchase from the supermarket, (carrots, Persil, etc, etc) is also considered inappropriate use of the term.
The Sex Scene:
The Witchatoutchskichitiski brothers also thought that a sex scene would be a welcome introduction to this second Matrix film. They were wrong. Just as they were wrong when they agreed that they would allow the use of 'Proper-Nouns' in their game of scrabble. The problem with this scene is that it takes place between two of the toughest combatants of the film, and as such, appears out of place. For example, while watching Transformers The Movie, very few viewers thought, 'What this film needs right now, is for Optimus Prime to go down on Bumblebee, while the Decepticons dance the '70s moves to The Bee Gees' 'Staying Alive', on the set of Fraggle Rock.
(Note: There was a 'specialist' version of Transformers The Movie, in which Metroplex, (the one that turns into a city), has sex with Ravage, (the one that turns into a dog), but it was felt that this was rather 'Too Specialist', and Metroplex was under 16 at the time of filming. A copy of the tape was found at Megatron's flat in Norwich, and he must now remain on The Sex Offenders Register, until his return to Cybertron).
Dialogue:
Anyone watching this film, will have noticed the slight/medium/heavy overuse of a kind of pseudo-philosophy. The character Morpheus is generally the worst offender of this. Morpheus was considered an unusual casting for the part to begin with, but the little plastersene man was out of contract after a disagreement with Tony Hart, and as such, was unavailable for this role. However, it appears, that every line this man speaks, is an attempt to make some wise, sage, philosophy. We wonder how this man gets through his daily life, speaking in this silly way. Luckily, we managed to make a transcription of Morpheus' recent shopping trip to Tesco's.
Cashier: - 'Oh. These Ravioli are on 2 for 1 special offer.'
Morpheus: - 'Yes, for I have seen the Ravioli and their centres are squidgy in all out souls.'
Cashier: - 'Okay...Erm...That's $21.46 please.'
Morpheus: - 'The 46 pence is not part of the reality that we truely experience.'
Cashier: - 'Would you like cash-back?'
Morpheus: - 'My belief system does not require me to believe that you believe that I need cash-back.'
Morpheus then hands the cashier his American Express Card, in Bullet Time, which takes about 40 minutes. He pays for his shopping and leaves the shop. He then unlocks the boot of his Mondeo..In Bullet Time, taking a further 90 minutes.
Our conclution is, that this pseudo-philosophy, while it can be good in moderation, is overused in Matrix Reloaded. With some things, 'more is better', (e.g. chocolate sauce on top of ice cream), whereas, with other things, 'more is not better', (e.g. Race-hate, Sexually transmitted Herpes or Barbara Streisand).
Storyline:
The Matrix is based on the premise, that there is an artificial computer simulation, in which, about 50% of human beings believe they are actually living out their lives, in what we consider to be, 'The Real World'. The remaining 50%, we suspect, are just using The Matrix to play Solitaire or Minesweeper, while hoping that their supervisor is not looking over their shoulder. These numbers do not include the 2% of humans who went blind, lost control of their bodily functions, and had their left legs stuck permanantly in safe-mode, from the knee down, while upgrading to MatrixXp.
Preview of the storyline for the 3rd Matrix film:
We have exclusively discovered the storyline of the 3rd film. In this 3rd and final part, The matrix is defeated by Neo, when he crashes The Matrix by attempting to get it to print. Then he leaves a floppy disc in the A-Drive, so it cannot restart, and mankind is saved forever.
Special Effects:
A specially constructed 2 mile highway was used for the car chase sequence, in which their car is riddled with about 500 bullet holes. Brixton was ruled out as a filming location, as although the same effect can be achieved, it only takes 1 mile for the 500 bullet holes to be achieved, leaving insufficient time for the directors to overuse characters in too much leather and sunglasses.
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Funny Quotes!!! (Part - 1)
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Posted:Apr 3, 2011 4:33 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 2:58 pm
4604 Views
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1 - 'Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent!' (Fredrick Nietzsche)
2 - Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint!' (Mark Twain)
3 - 'I didn't go to the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it!' (Mark Twain)
4 - 'I have never let my schooling interfere with my education!' (Mark Twain)
5 - 'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' (Mark Twain)
6 - 'A lie gets half way around the world before the truth has a chance to get it's pants on!' (Winston Churchill)
7 - 'What year did Jesus think it was?' (George Carlin)
8 - 'See...I told you I was ill!' (Spike Milligan's epitaph)
9 - 'I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house!' (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
10 - 'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.' (Dean Martin)
11 - 'I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us. Pigs treat us like equals!' (Winston Churchill) 
12 - 'I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a and my mother made me eat it. And I'm Pesident of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli!' (George Bush) 
13 - 'Marriage is a three ring circus...Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....!' (anonymous)
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Questions That Have Confused Mankind!!!
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Posted:Mar 26, 2011 7:39 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:00 pm
5026 Views
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I found these on the internet earlier, and some of them really are food for thought...Once again, I'm asking anyone to please feel more than free to give us a laugh and add to the list....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out...'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt!'
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would ever eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares. why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed, if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect, while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wilie E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?? 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, then does morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap, operated by a mouse?
Why do the 'Alphabet Song' and 'Twinkle Twinkle' have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid, when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad a you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out of the window into the wind?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive any faster?
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Chavs!!!!
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Posted:Mar 26, 2011 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:03 pm
4452 Views
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Below is a helpful guide to the ever growing world of Chav....
1 - What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
2 - What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
3 - What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe..
4 - What do you call an Eskimo chav?
Innuinnit...
5 - Why are chavs like slinkys?
They have no real use, but great to watch one fall down a flight stairs!
6 - What do you call a Chavette dressed in white?
The bride...
7 - If you see a chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike!
8 - What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy...The other's a coconut!!
9 - What's the first question at a chav quiz night?
'What you lookin' at!!!'
10 - How do you get 100 chavs into a phone box?
Paint 3 stripes on it!
11 - Two chavs in a car without any music playing. Who's driving?
The police!!!
12 - Where do you take a chavette for a decent night out?
Up the gary!!... 
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Cybersex....What You Don't See!!!
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Posted:Mar 25, 2011 11:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:04 pm
4894 Views
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Below is a transcript from a possibly true but definately funny 'cybersex' conversation in a chatroom.....
Wellhung: 'Hello Sweetheart. What do you look like?'
Sweetheart: 'I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out every day. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?'
Wellhung: 'I am 6'3 and about 250 lbs. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kinda funny.'
Sweetheart: 'I want you. Would you like to screw me?'
Wellhung: 'OK.'
Sweetheart: 'We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works it's way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.'
Wellhung: 'I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat!'
Sweetheart: 'I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.'
Wellhung: 'Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm moaning softly.'
Wellhung: 'I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it softly off.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.'
Wellhung: 'My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.'
Sweetheart: ''That's OK. It wasn't really too expensive.'
Wellhung: 'I'll pay for it.'
Sweetheart: 'Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe faster and faster.'
Wellhung: 'I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck!. Do you have scissors?'
Sweetheart: 'I take your hand and kiss it softly. I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are hard for you.'
Wellhung: 'How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.'
Wellhung: 'I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.'
Wellhung: 'I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.'
Sweetheart: 'WHAT?'
Wellhung: 'I'm so sorry. Really.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.'
Wellhung: 'I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.'
Sweetheart: 'OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.'
Wellhung: 'I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold. Yeee!'
Sweetheart: 'I'm pulling up my mini skirt. take off my panties.'
Wellhung: 'I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm. Wait a second.'
Sweetheart: 'What's the matter?'
Wellhung: 'I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!'
Sweetheart: 'Are you OK?'
Wellhung: 'I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red!'
Sweetheart: 'Is there anything I can do to help?'
Wellhung: 'I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. I'm looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??'
Sweetheart: 'In the cabinet, to the right of the sink.'
Wellhung: 'I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better!'
Sweetheart: 'Come back to me lover.'
Wellhung: 'I'm washing up the cup now.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm aching for you lover.'
Wellhung: 'Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet and I'm now walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. Where is the bedroom?'
Sweetheart: 'Last door on the left, at the end of the hall.'
Wellhung: 'I found it.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.'
Wellhung: 'Me too.'
Sweetheart: 'I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.'
Wellhung: 'Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts!'
Sweetheart: 'Why don't you take your glasses off?'
Wellhung: 'OK, but I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!'
Wellhung: 'I have to pee! I'm fumbling my way to the bathroom.'
Sweetheart: 'Hurry back lover!'
Wellhung: 'I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm waiting eagerly for your return.'
Wellhung: 'I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush...uh-oh!'
Sweetheart: 'What's the matter now?'
Wellhung: 'I just realized that I peed in your hamper. Sorry again! I'm walking back to the bed now. blindly feeling my way.'
Sweetheart: 'Mmmmm, yes. Come on!'
Wellhung: 'Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your, ummm, woman's thing.'
Sweetheart: 'Yes. Do it baby. Do it.'
Wellhung: 'I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!'
Wellhung: 'I'm flaccid!'
Sweetheart: 'WHAT??'
Wellhung: 'I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.'
Wellhung: 'I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.'
Sweetheart: 'NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm pulling on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse!'
Wellhung: 'No wait! I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your pictures and candles.'
Sweetheart: 'I'm buttoning my blouse and putting on my shoes.'
Wellhung: 'Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain's on fire! I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face!'
Sweetheart 'Go to Hell!! I'm logging off. LOSER!!'
Wellhung: 'Now the carpet is on fire! Noooooo!'
USER 'SWEETHEART' HAS LOGGED OFF
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Did You Know????
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Posted:Mar 25, 2011 7:35 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:04 pm
4797 Views
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The following are genuine State laws that are technically still in force in America!!
In Hartford, Connecticut:
It is illegal to cross the street whilst walking on your hands!
In Ottumwa, Iowa:
It is unlawful to wink at any woman that he does not know! 
In Los Angeles:
You cannot bathe two babies in the same bath at the same time!
In Zion, Illinois:
It is illegal to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats and other animals kept as pets! 
In Carmel, New York:
A man cannot go outside whilst wearing a jacket and trousers that do not match!
In St. Louis:
It is illegal to sit on kerb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket!
In Baltimore, Maryland:
It is illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It is also illegal to take a lion to the cinema!
(wonders if cougars count) 
In Carrizoro, New Mexico:
It is forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes face and legs)!
In Michigan:
A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission! 
In New York:
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun! 
The State of Washington:
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag!
In order for a pickle to be officially considered a pickle in Connecticut...It must bounce!
If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law!
In Oklahoma:
It is forbidden for a person to take a bite out of another person's hamburger!!
In Leigh, New England:
It is forbidden to sell doughnut holes!!
In North Carolina:
It is against the law to use elephants to plough cotton fields! 
In Pennsylvania:
Cars travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait 10 minutes for the road to clear!!
In Utah:
It is against the law to fish from horseback!!
In South Bend, Indiana:
Back in 1924 a monkey was convicted of the crime of smoking a cigarette and was sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs!!! 
In Oklahoma:
Harthahorne City Ordinance, section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window!! 
And Finally.....
In Gary, Indiana:
People are prohibited from attending a cinema and from riding public transport within four hours of eating garlic!!! 
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Eeewww!!!
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Posted:Mar 25, 2011 6:43 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:05 pm
4571 Views
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A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but the autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.
Had he been outside, or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his airtight bedroom.
He was 22...A big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas.
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized! 
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Bottoms Up!!
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Posted:Mar 25, 2011 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:06 pm
4543 Views
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A 34 year old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2 tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white sandle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in it's place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward!
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Answering Machine Messages!!
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Posted:Mar 23, 2011 10:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:06 pm
4542 Views
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I found these whilst trawling through the net - Please feel free to add to this list....
'My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished!'
(Narrator's Voice)'There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message!'
'Hi. Now you say something!'
Hi. I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep!'
'Hello, I'm David's answering machine. What are you?'
(From a Japanese guy in Toronto) 'He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call you sooner!'
'Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refridgerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself using one of these magnets.'
'Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone!'
'Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot-tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.'
'This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.'
'Hi. I am probably at home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!'
'Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back!'
'If you are a burgular, then we're probably at home, cleaning our weapons right now, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home, and it's safe to leave a message.'
(Direct approach)'Who are you and what do you want?'
'You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave you name, number and a message!'
'You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank You!'
'Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.'
'Hello, you have reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something that we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...Really slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.'
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To link to this blog (sassycass211222) use [blog sassycass211222] in your messages.
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