Customer Care Helpline!!!
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Posted:Feb 23, 2011 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:13 pm
1373 Views
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This is a true story form the Wordperfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the Customer Care Dept. Needless to say, the helpdesk employee was fired! However, he/she was suing the Wordperfect Org for termination without cause!!!! 
Operator: - 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance, may I help you?'
Caller: - 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect.'
Operator: - 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: - Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: - 'Went away?'
Caller: - 'They disappeared.'
Operator: - 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: - 'Nothing.'
Operator: - 'Nothing?'
Caller: - 'It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: - 'Are you still in Wordperfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: - 'How do I tell?'
Operator: - 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller: - 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: - 'Nevermind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: - 'There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: - 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: - 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: - 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: - 'I don't know.'
Operator: - 'Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller: - 'Yes. I think so.'
Operator: - 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.'
Caller: - 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: - 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were 2 cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller: - 'No!'
Operator: - 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: - 'OK. Here it is.'
Operator: - 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: - 'I can't reach.'
Operator: - 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: - 'No!'
Operator: - 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: - 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's coz it's dark.'
Operator: - 'Dark?'
Caller: - 'Yes. The office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: - 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: - 'I can't.'
Operator: - 'No? Why not?'
Caller: - 'Coz there's a power failure.'
Operator: - 'A power...A POWER FAILURE? Aha. OK. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff our computer came with?'
Caller: - 'Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: - 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: - 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: - 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: - 'Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: - 'Tell them that you're too FUCKING STUPID to own a computer!!!!!'
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Write About The Sea!!!
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Posted:Feb 23, 2011 4:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:13 pm
1189 Views
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1 - This is a picture of an octopus...It has eight testicles! (Kelly age 6)
2 - Oyster's balls are called pearls! (James age 6)
3 - If you are surrounded by the sea, you are an island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent! (Wayne age 7)
4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more! (Kylie age 6)
5 - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head! (Billy age 8 )
6 - My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs! (Millie age 6)
7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans! (William age 7)
8 - I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9 - I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my dad keeps shouting at my mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think of what to write! (Amy age 6)
10 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers! (Christopher age 7)
11 - When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small! (kevin age 6)
12 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other! (Becky age 8 )
13 - On holidays my mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass!! (Julie age 7)
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How Can You Tell When It's Going To Be A Rotten Day???
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Posted:Feb 19, 2011 4:22 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:14 pm
1284 Views
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1 - You wake up face-down on the pavement.
2 - You put on your bra backwards and it fits better.
3 - You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4 - You see a '60 Minutes' News Team, waiting in your office.
5 - Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of the candles.
6 - You want to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party...And there are none.
7 - You turn on the News and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8 - Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9 - You woke up to discover that your waterbad broke, and then you realise that you don't have a waterbed.
10 - Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
11 - Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache.
12 - Your boss tells you NOT to bother to take your coat off.
13 - The bird you hear singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14 - You wake up and your dental braces are locked together.
15 - You walk to work and discover when you get there that your dress is stuck in the back of your knickers.
16 - You call your answering service and they tell you that it's none of your business.
17 - Your blind-date turns out to be your ex-wife.
18 - Your Income Tax cheque bounces.
19 - You put BOTH your contact lenses in the SAME eye.
20 - Your wife says, 'Good morning Bill.' and your name is George.
Author Unknown - but indeed troubled!!!!
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Bionic Fred!!
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Posted:Feb 19, 2011 3:46 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:14 pm
1272 Views
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Now this is the story of young Freddie Claw,
Who's sexual equipment got stuck in the door.
By the time they had freed him, he didn't feel well,
For his poor private parts were all mangled to hell.
They rushed to the hospital, the ambulance flew,
But when they arrived, there was nowt they could do.
A sad blow for Fred, condemmed without choice,
To a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice.
But lucky for Fred, so to not feel a fool,
Someone suggested a Bionic Tool.
A small new electric one, made out of brass,
Though the batteries would have to be stored up his arse.
So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
He plied her with drink and made her feel randy.
The girl without waiting, her hand in Fred's flies,
When she found what was there, gave a gasp of surprise.
'That's my Bionic Chopper, now let's have some fun!'
'Cor blimey', she said. 'It feels like a gun!'
Then they both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
Then he turned up the speed button, gave her full blast.
They clutched tight each other, as Fred's dick shook some more, Then they shook off the bed and then rolled on the floor.
Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
As the air in the room became filled with blue smoke.
With a BANG! Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
And his other went bonkety bonk down the stairs!
So back for repair went poor Fred, full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go?
A return to the Doc at the end of each shag,
With his prick in his hand and his balls in a bag!
But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
And they helped with the batteries with a flex to the main,
So if he can't find a girl, lucky Fred doesn't cry,
Coz he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy!
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Australian Letter Of The Year!!!
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Posted:Feb 17, 2011 7:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:15 pm
1444 Views
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This is an actual letter sent to the then, DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs + Trade) Minister, The Honerable Alexander Downer + the then Immigration Minister, The Hon Amanda Vanstone. The government tried desperately to censure the author, but got no-where because every legal person who read it, nearly wet themselves laughing!!
Please excuse the language contained within, but I suspect the author was somewhat upset? I'll let you decide!!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is asking me where I was born and what date.
For Christ's sake, do you boys do this by hand?
My birthdate you have in my Medicare imformation, and it is on all the Income Tax forms I've filed for the last 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those = 20 insufferable census forms that I have filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also, would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my fathers name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...
SHIT!!
I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless, Neanderthal assholes working there!
And another thing. look at my damn picture..Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a , believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilage of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a passport on the same day?? Nooooo..that'd be too fucking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our fucking heads cut off, and then having to find some high-society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?!...You fucking morons.
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years. (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL...and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'IMPORTANT' to verify who I am; You know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!...A country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'
You are all Fucking idiots!
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WTF!!!!
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Posted:Feb 17, 2011 5:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2011 10:55 pm
1298 Views
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4
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Ode To CityHookups.com!!!
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Posted:Feb 17, 2011 3:51 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:16 pm
1234 Views
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Well Anal Friend Fucker has done it again, another restriction on site.
'Click here to view.' it mockingly tells you, then boots you right out of the site!
You try to get in, you fight tooth and nail, but still you are left in despair.
You're now in the 'lobby', 'OH BUGGER!' you think, 'Well now how did I get over there?'
As a standard member, I cannot view the stand-ing members on vid.
It shows me the preview, entices me in, 'So they all stay well hid!'
To my friends, I connect, so maybe with luck and surely a smidgen of hope,
I can perve all their pics, instead off the vids, but indeed the answer is 'NOPE!'
 
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Are You One Of The Following??
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Posted:Feb 17, 2011 3:26 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:16 pm
1340 Views
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Worried Type: - Makes furtive inspection of tool without peeing!
Social Type: - Joins pals for pee, whether wanting one or not.
Exitable Type: - Underpants twisted, can't find flap, tears pants down in temper.
Timid Type: - Can't pee if anyone is looking, pretends to + sneaks back later.
Noisy Type: - Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to examine other tools.
Indiferent Type: - Urinal full, pees in sink.
Clever Type: - Pees without holding tool + shows off by adjusring tie at the same time.
Frivilous Type: - Pees around urinal + aims jet at flies.
Absent Minded Type: - Opens flies, pulls out tie + pees himself.
Personality Type: - Stands for a while, grunts, farts + walks out.
Uncouth Type: - Pees down into shoes, walks out with flies open + adjusts balls in the street.
Sneaky Type: - Does silent fart, snifs + frowns at the bloke in the next stall.
Childish Type: - Looks down at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles.
Plain Vain Type: - Unfastens five buttons when only one will do.
Strong Type: - Bangs tool on side of the urinal to knock off drips.
Unlucky Type: - tries to fart, shits himself + finds he cannot pee.
Adventurous Type: - Pees into flushing system, shakes his head to get backwash out of eyes.
Saville Row Type: - Pees on shoes + wipes off with a silk hanky.
Drunk Type: - Takes tool out, sees two, puts one away + pees himself.
Gay Type: - Holds tool in two fingers, with little finger raised, admires others + wipes tool with handkercheif before putting it away.
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This Will Drive You Nuts!!! Try It!!
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Posted:Feb 15, 2011 7:37 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:17 pm
1496 Views
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How smart is your right foot?? Hmmmmmmmmm
Just try this..It's from an orthopedic surgeon.........
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can out-smart your foot. But you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!!!
1 - WITHOUT anyone watching you, (they will think you're mad........) and while sitting where you are at your desk, in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise CIRCLES.
2 - Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!! And there's nothing you can do about it...
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you are going to try it again. (if you haven't already done so...lol) 
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4
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Nine Words That Women Use!!!
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Posted:Feb 15, 2011 7:08 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:18 pm
1128 Views
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1 - FINE: This is the word that women use to end an argument when they are RIGHT and you need to shut up!
2 - FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is ONLY five minutes if you have just been given five MORE minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 - NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm, this means SOMETHING! and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with NOTHING, usually end in FINE.
4 - GO AHEAD: This is a dare. NOT permission. DON'T DO IT!
5 - LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about NOTHING. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of NOTHING)
6 - THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. THAT'S OK means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 - THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do NOT question or FAINT. Just say YOU'RE WELCOME.
8 - WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9 - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'WHAT'S WRONG?' (For the woman's response, refer to #3). 
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Lost In Translation!!!
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Posted:Feb 15, 2011 6:04 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2013 3:18 pm
1262 Views
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1 - In A Bangkok Temple:
'IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.'
2 - Cocktail lounge - Norway:
'LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE IN THE BAR.'
3 - Doctor's office - Rome:
'SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.'
4 - Dry cleaners - Bangkok:
'DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS!'
5 - In a Nairobi restaurant:
'CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.'
6 - On a poster in Kenya:
'ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP!'
7 - On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
'TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.'
8 - In a city restaurant:
'OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.'
9 - A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
'DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS!'
10 - In a cemetary:
'PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES!'
11 - A Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations:
'GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED!'
12 - On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
'OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.'
13 - In a Tokyo bar:
'SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.'
14 - A Japanese hotel:
'YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.'
15 - In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
'YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.'
16 - A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
'IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.'
17 - A hotel in Zurich:
'BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.'
18 - The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
'GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.'
19 - In a Swiss mountain inn:
'SPECIAL TODAY-NO ICE-CREAM.'
20 - Airline ticket office - Copenhagen:
'WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.'
21 - A laundry in Rome:
'LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME!'
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To link to this blog (sassycass211222) use [blog sassycass211222] in your messages.
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