If I knew then ...what I know now.
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Pubblicato:12 Luglio 2007 1:25 am
Ultimo aggiornamento:15 Luglio 2007 10:17 am 12635 visite
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Sometimes a simple word, a scent, or a song so simple can send you back to a place that you no longer wish to be, or a nightmare that has been sleeping within never long enough to totally be forgotten. It's 3:10 am I don’t know what it is within me tonight but I can't sleep, feelings of the past, words spoken and sentiments buried within my soul are awake, alive and fighting to be exposed once again.
It was a voice, one I did not expect to hear ringing in my ear ever again that has awakened my fears to a point where I have become non functional as I once was not to long ago. If I knew then what I know now…today would have been no different than yesterday. I would be as calm and as serene as I am capable of being. I would not have had this man and his words in my life still affecting my emotions tied to him within.
With every beat of my heart and every breath that I take I am aware of my weaknesses, the footsteps in the path that have lead me to the spot where I reside right now. I understand the why and the how, I intellectually understand. But it brings no relief to the dull ache I feel if I let my mind wander through the shadows of my distant and not so distant past. It brings no relief if I think back to the destruction I have caused to myself and others with the awareness of what I was doing and why.
Relief comes in many ways. Through self induced pain, through abuse of drugs in order to numb any emotion left within my damaged being. If I knew then what I know now… I would have never allowed myself to care so much, to believe so deeply and to give of myself so completely to those who did not even deserve the time of day, the same air that I breathed, and the same space that I occupied so sparingly. If I knew then what I know now…my life would have been so different, the walls that I have built around my heart, my soul, my body and my beliefs would be no more, shattered in a pile of rubble, dust settling on everything but my own skin.
My thoughts wander even when I pay them no mind. But they are within me even though most days they are not worth a damn. But what is written in the stars, and what is within me can never be forgotten, damaged beyond recognition in some ways, unable to distinguish where or when it all began or ended if at all. Broken dreams, a broken heart and a hurt spirit that was sometimes so brave in the harshest of times, still bears the scars of what lies so deep that cannot even be put into words. But we go on, I go on, forward every morning that I open my eyes and realize my first breath. Fantasies remain fantasies, obsessions remain obsessions, and reality is just that.
Sometimes a simple word, a scent or a song can send me back to a place that I no longer wish to visit. If I knew then what I know now…. And so I go on writing what I feel, resisting the temptation to over medicate my pain away. Resisting the pain that I am capable of causing to not only myself but my family as well, through worry and sometimes even fear and disgust. If I knew then what I know now… my footsteps would have gone down a different road and maybe, just maybe I would not be able to feel happiness when I do feel it now…so intensely, and so profoundly even for a short while.
bella~
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Bella
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Pubblicato:10 Luglio 2007 5:42 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:17 Luglio 2007 8:43 pm 12633 visite
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Bella is not happy. That’s right. Not happy at all. I missed my workout this morning for sex. Now I know what your saying. That’s a great trade off. Not according to a study that was just released by prominent doctors in my area. The study says:
1 hour intensive foreplay burns off:
1 slice of large chocolate cake.
25 min. of nonstop lovemaking burns off:
2 slices of pizza w/ cheese and mushrooms.
53 minutes of kissing yourself burns off:
Christmas turkey w/ all the trimmings.
Removing Clothes.
With partners consent: 12 calories
Without partners consent: 189 calories
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418 calories
Arousal and Stimulation:
Blowing in partners ear: 15 calories
Blowing in your own ear: 2150 calories
Doing it for the first time:
Fumbling around: 4 calories
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18 calories
Completely missing: 126 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale:
Shoes flew off: 15 calories
Expression didn’t change: 0.5 calories
Face turned purple: 78 calories
Moaning in Italian: 1256 calories
You get the idea.
Based on this information today I burned:
Explaining how I like to be banged: 12 calories
Suggesting something different from what he usually does: 3 calories
Calming him down: 40 calories
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8 calories
Foreplay ( a little of this and that): 56 calories
Intercourse (standing position): 22 calories
Intercourse (holding him up): 10 calories
Intercourse (urging him on): 5 calories
Orgasm: not sure…didn’t last long enough
Thanking him: 3 calories
Waving bye bye: 1 calorie
Total time: 6 minutes (includes walking back to car)
Total calories burned: 160 calories
I could have had a Snickers bar for 273 calories….
Is it that everyone is having better sex than me these days? Analysis to follow…
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Do you want to know me? Do you?
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Pubblicato:9 Luglio 2007 6:38 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:26 Luglio 2007 9:11 pm 15738 visite
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Seeing that I have been gone such a long time from blogland maybe things are done differently now in comparison to the good old days. Regardless, tonight I am re-posting a blog entry in the style that we were all doing at the time.
100 things about me. I thought maybe it was appropriate seeing that most bloggers around today I don't recognize.
So, do you want to know me? Do you? Here I am in all my glory posted sometime in 2005.
1. I always wear lipstick unless I am sleeping, and sometimes even then.
2. I will leave work to fix my nail if it breaks.
3. It sort of turns me on when I go for my Brazilian wax.
4. I don’t chew gum
5. I go out often without a bra and panties.
6. I lost my virginity to a Persian who looked like Kenny G.
7. I did my mailman.
8. My mother caught me masturbating at a young age.
9. I always wear sunglasses outdoors...prevents eye wrinkling.
10. I drink much too much coffee.
11. I don’t like getting up early as I am a night owl.
12. I have had phone sex.
13. I have been blonde.
14. I am afraid of the dark.
15. I have smoked since I was 13.
16. My favorite color is purple.
17. 3 drinks and you can take me to bed if I am not careful.
18. I have had a gym membership one place or another since I was 16.
19. I am infatuated with Italian men, always have been.
20. I used to be a dancer.
21.I learned how to kiss using an orange peel…yes I was young.
22. I am always wearing high heels unless I am wearing sneakers.
23. I love to leave my shoes and stockings on when having sex.
24. I am on film having sex.
25. I never open the blinds during the day.
26. I passed out while my navel was being pierced.
27. I have been in love 2 times in my life.
28. I have my little strip landing colored jet black every month.
29. I love to take long, hot baths.
30. I am in heaven when I have a man around my house.
31. When I am in a relationship I never refuse my man sex if he wants it.
32. I cannot resist chocolate or ice cream.
33. I love having my photo taken.
34. My voice is very soft for an Italian.
35. Sometimes I tan in my bikini to make tan lines.
36. I am terrified of being hurt again.
37. I hate men that are drama queens or high maintenance.
38. I love a man to order for me when out for dinner.
39. I can be a horrible tease when I have a man beside me.
40.I cannot get into bed at night unless I shower.
41. I make a conscious effort not to curse.
42. My favorite flower is Gardenia.
43. I lost my virginity at 19
44. I can take a lot without effect but if I get pissed off enough...step back and watch out. I throw things.
45. I have traveled internationally many, many times but never within North America other than a few spots.
46. I love shooters and girly drinks.
47. I have never been camping in my life…the bush scares me.
48. I am in love with seafood.
49. In bed I love to feel totally possessed by a man, I love to lose control completely and entirely.
50. I always have fresh flowers in my home.
51. My favorite song is Stella Gemella by Eros Ramazzotti.
52. I do not have a favorite movie.
53.I rollerblade every chance I get.
54. I have no children and have never been married.
55. I am Italian and my parents are first cousins.
56. My shoe size is 7.5
57. I went to university for 6 years.
58. My best feature in my opinion are my lips.
59. I cry easily when upset…I cannot hide it even if my life depended on it.
60. The first thing I ever did when I received my first computer was look at porn because I love porn.
61. I purchase next to nothing in the city in which I live in, most of my clothes and accessories come from elsewhere.
62. I wear perfume 24/7….and my favorite perfume is Jean Paul Gaultier.
63. I have a manicure 2 times a month and a pedicure once a month, waxing the nether regions once a month.
64. My hair is naturally spiral curled although I straighten it more often than not.
65. I am obsessed with crystal…I even drink my water out of a crystal glass because I like the way it sparkles.
66. I love it when a man wakes me up while we sleep just to touch me and make love to me.
67. I have no sense of direction when driving.
68. My grandmother has asked me if I like women.
69. I do like women
70. I leave everything until the last minute.
71. I could shop for hours for anything and everything.
72. I passed a course in University because I was very nice to a certain professor.
73. I can cook anything Italian and nothing Chinese.
74. I have been asked to make a foot fetish cd.
75. I love to flirt.
76. I love Italian music and can sing worth a dime but I will do it anyway and you will listen.
77. I hate being alone.
78. I am frightened to be around men who drink excessively.
79. I love it when a man treats me like a lady in public and less than a lady in the bedroom.
80. I am a great listen and not much of a great talker.
81. I keep things bottled up until I explode.
82. I have trust issues because of being taken advantage of one too many times.
83. I love it when a man seduces me with his eyes.
84. I am always concerned of others feelings even if they have hurt my feelings, I am not able to be mean even if they deserve so.
85. My cell phone face plate is encrusted in rhinestones…so pretty!
86. I love the feeling of silk against my skin…silk panties are the best.
87. I have nightmares often of someone chasing me.
88. I don’t eat much in the way of carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables….its all protein.
89. The first time a man told me he loved me I cried.
90. I have made love in the snow...quickly.
91. I am an exhibitionist at heart and always have been…hence the dangers of owning a webcam.
92. I am a Gemini and I get bored quite easily.
93. I am bad with faces and names.
94. I have never cheated on a man I was involved with.
95. I cry at movies, commercials and weddings.
96. My face turns a beet red when I tell a white lie.
97. I love dark haired men with body hair and accents.
98. I have had experience with women.
99. I love jewellery.
100. I talk dirty during sex.
bella
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Licking My Cupcake
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Pubblicato:8 Luglio 2007 8:41 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:10 Luglio 2007 11:21 pm 12760 visite
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I like pink. It’s my favorite color. I also love everything and anything Victoria’s Secret. Have you ever noticed that everything is pink in a Victoria’s Secret store? Don’t you get excited over the “Love Pink” campaign whether you are a man or a woman?
This will be my 3rd blog in a very long time. When I left over a year and a half ago all blogs looked the same….gray. Dark gray and light gray. We could add photos, change the color of the font if you knew how…I never did. We had smiley faces and that’s about it. I come back and I honestly feel more computer illiterate than ever before in my life! There are colors for headers, colors for this and that. I can put photos in the middle of a blog. I have no clue what a sticky is but I have it if I can figure out how to use it. Those big eyes that look like fish eyes….anyone who knows me knows I am petrified of fish.
So one calm and wonderful evening….only about 3 nights ago, I decide to blog again. I read through some blogs and notice beautiful colors and columns, neat mood indicators etc. Me being me….Bella, I wanted my blog to look pretty, to smell sexy if it had a scent. I want my blog to look reminiscent of Victoria’s Secret, something that represented me entirely. Being that pink is my favorite color I figured it would not be difficult to achieve. Change a color here and there and…well….what do I get? I have created a blog that looks like a pink cupcake.
I love anything sweet even though I deprive myself of my secret obsession more than not.. I even love cupcakes. I love the cupcake in my photo. When I have a cupcake I don’t eat the cake, I just lick off all of the icing and sugar and cream. My blog makes me hungry. It makes me want to lick a cupcake I don’t have.
Hi, my name is Bella and I think my blog looks like a cupcake. Want to lick my cupcake since we are all friends here?
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Pubblicato:6 Luglio 2007 6:46 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:6 Settembre 2012 8:24 am 12539 visite
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It was a very hot day in my city today. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love warm days like this. The urge to get out under the sun and basque in the heat and humidity is more than I can handle. Working on my own has allowed me the opportunity to make my own hours and work as many hours as I please. Knowing very well the temperature this week was ideal to feed my obsession, I booked heavy in early morning and ended around noon.
My only thought after my last appointment was heading out into the deck with my cell phone, a bottle of water and my towel for a long afternoon lounge in the sun. I have grown into bad habits. No longer is tanning in my bikini acceptable anymore but rather tanning in the nude is what tickles my fancy. And so grew my liking for nude tanning at home during the week and who can blame a girl.
Without a worry I headed into the deck, turned on my radio and removed my towel before laying in my lounger. I love the feeling of intense heat on my nipples and between my legs,caressing me in a sense. Moments fly by quickly, quietly and painlessly as though I was meant to be where I am…my body relaxed and mind relieved of any fears and tensions.
Harry is my neighbor and he is a middle aged man. He has a full time job and works during the week. Harry is always very nice to me when his wife isn’t around or if she is drunk. No sooner had I closed my eyes and fell into a light sleep did I hear Harry’s footsteps in the garden of his yard. I thought I was dreaming and paid no mind. I turned over onto my back and continued to bronze thinking about the prettiest things I could….the shoes I saw the other day that I purchased, the hot man I saw yesterday when I stopped at the red light. The sound of the trees and my radio did not allow me to immediately hear shuffling in the other yard until I opened my eyes slightly to see Harry peaking between the boards of my fence. Well, he’d already seen me in all my glory…there was no reason for me to cover up…and I didn’t. Harry watched me for a few minutes until I stood up to get some water and then I heard him say hello . I threw my cover up over me and we spoke for a few minutes, him acting as though he hadn’t been watching me, and me as though I didn’t know about his naughty behavior.
This is what I love so about men. That primal instinct of a man towards a woman, their body hair, the ability of a man to sense a female is near and to stalk her in silence….In Darwinian terms (ehhmm, this is my attempt at thinking philosophically and to hell if I know anything about Darwin) Harry was stalking me, attracted to my scent, ready to take me right there under the sun without a word….just primal…like a caveman. Did you ever see that commercial that always say “it’s so easy even a caveman can do it?” That guys turn me on, he is hot! I would do Mr. Caveman, unzip his pants, throw him down onto a rock, run my fingers through his hair...Oh yes, Bella has a problem...Don’t email me to inform of this...I didn’t just discover it.
It’s good to be back and thanks to all,
bella
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Home Again
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Pubblicato:5 Luglio 2007 8:22 pm
Ultimo aggiornamento:8 Marzo 2013 6:35 pm 15652 visite
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I have always called this place home. This has always been my little private spot where I could allow myself to feel all of the happiness and the hurt. It was a place that I sometimes forgot I shared with those who understood and misunderstood my heart and my soul through letters and numbers, photos and phrases…this hidden little spot I called home.
And today I truly find myself home once again even though home does not look as it did when I left. There are many different faces in my old home graced with the those whom I called family. The tone of what I once knew as blogland I do not see since I was last here. Times change and people change….and for those that haven’t and are still here….I am thrilled.
I left abruptly in winter 2005 without as much as a goodbye for reasons that I will not write about yet other than say it was an entanglement with a man from this site and a rollercoaster of changes I was making for the good of a relationship that played me for many months. Career changes, relocations, a slight problem with prescription drugs became so overwhelming that I now realize I was thinking less than logically. I remember being at work that day, turning off my phone and deleting each blog one by one. Five hours of pressing delete for the good of a relationship, a cover up of all that I am, all of my thoughts, my actions….the deletion of my true self uncensored . Regrets. I regret the abolishment of my basement, my heart, my soul, my sorrows and my laughter…today I can honestly say I was wrong.
For the most part, my experiences blogging have been wonderful. Many nights alone in my bedroom, in front of my laptop laughing as though my friends had surrounded me. Blogging filled emptiness and loneliness much of the time and it allowed me to think out all that I was going though,had gone though and even some of what I continue to deal with. My friends surrounded me as I wrote my hearts contents good and bad, beautiful and ugly. And then again some of my blogging experiences have ranged from hateful to just pure mean. In blogland I learned to take the good with the bad and blog on in my personal little space that belonged to me and only me.
I have been hurt terribly on this site at a time when I finally believed I could trust. In the same breath I hurt someone which I greatly regret to this day but not only because I have no way of saying I’m sorry. It is true what they say…what comes around goes around and in this sense I deserved what eventually happened to me. Karma…karma kicked my ass and I realize this today. I realize that for many things in my past and my present nobody is to blame but myself. Today I think more clearly even though I am still plagued with mistakes. All I have always said and thought, and even written were in the name of my heart, my desires and my dreams. I am not perfect, I have not become perfect….I am just me…plain and simple…take me or leave me as I am.
So today I will blog. To whomever reads me, if anyone, I say thank you for stopping by. There is much about me that many of you don’t know. There is much about me that many of you know well…..there is so much about me that it still hidden and pent up deep within where nobody can see or reach, not even myself. My bloggy basement still resides on my pc in a file called “blogs” deep in the depth of a file on the C: drive called taxes, as are my "private" photos. Maybe here and maybe there, now and then, a post from my dusty past not much different from my present or even future. To repost or not to repost…we’ll see.
If I am writing tonight it is only because of some encouragement from my old friend (blog keithcancook). Tonight’s blog is brought to you by Keith….a dedication of sorts….( I love the sentimental).
Hi. My name is bella_ and welcome to my blog.
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Risposte Più Recenti dagli Altri Membri
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