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| Blogs > rm_bella_ > Confessions Of An Italian |
If I knew then ...what I know now.
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If I knew then ...what I know now. Sometimes a simple word, a scent, or a song so simple can send you back to a place that you no longer wish to be, or a nightmare that has been sleeping within never long enough to totally be forgotten. It's 3:10 am I don’t know what it is within me tonight but I can't sleep, feelings of the past, words spoken and sentiments buried within my soul are awake, alive and fighting to be exposed once again. It was a voice, one I did not expect to hear ringing in my ear ever again that has awakened my fears to a point where I have become non functional as I once was not to long ago. If I knew then what I know now…today would have been no different than yesterday. I would be as calm and as serene as I am capable of being. I would not have had this man and his words in my life still affecting my emotions tied to him within. With every beat of my heart and every breath that I take I am aware of my weaknesses, the footsteps in the path that have lead me to the spot where I reside right now. I understand the why and the how, I intellectually understand. But it brings no relief to the dull ache I feel if I let my mind wander through the shadows of my distant and not so distant past. It brings no relief if I think back to the destruction I have caused to myself and others with the awareness of what I was doing and why. Relief comes in many ways. Through self induced pain, through abuse of drugs in order to numb any emotion left within my damaged being. If I knew then what I know now… I would have never allowed myself to care so much, to believe so deeply and to give of myself so completely to those who did not even deserve the time of day, the same air that I breathed, and the same space that I occupied so sparingly. If I knew then what I know now…my life would have been so different, the walls that I have built around my heart, my soul, my body and my beliefs would be no more, shattered in a pile of rubble, dust settling on everything but my own skin. My thoughts wander even when I pay them no mind. But they are within me even though most days they are not worth a damn. But what is written in the stars, and what is within me can never be forgotten, damaged beyond recognition in some ways, unable to distinguish where or when it all began or ended if at all. Broken dreams, a broken heart and a hurt spirit that was sometimes so brave in the harshest of times, still bears the scars of what lies so deep that cannot even be put into words. But we go on, I go on, forward every morning that I open my eyes and realize my first breath. Fantasies remain fantasies, obsessions remain obsessions, and reality is just that. Sometimes a simple word, a scent or a song can send me back to a place that I no longer wish to visit. If I knew then what I know now…. And so I go on writing what I feel, resisting the temptation to over medicate my pain away. Resisting the pain that I am capable of causing to not only myself but my family as well, through worry and sometimes even fear and disgust. If I knew then what I know now… my footsteps would have gone down a different road and maybe, just maybe I would not be able to feel happiness when I do feel it now…so intensely, and so profoundly even for a short while. bella~  |
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7/12/2007 6:42 am |
awww, c'mere.  (but you still would've ended up back here....  )
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7/12/2007 9:43 am |
Sometimes a simple word, a scent or a song can send me back to a place that I no longer wish to visit. i understand that all too well, luv  King Nor XVIII  
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Wow Bella  As you said you "intellectually understand" so I know there's no words I can offer to really help. I know the pain must be hard to live with it and I hope you are able to bear it and get to the place where you see that paths you've taken are part of who you are but you're free from the past having power over you. I hope that makes sense. 
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Sometimes a blog response does the same. [blog talldarkavg1]
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that was a bad day and night....everything passes....now is the good I was speaking of....
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7/14/2007 7:23 am |
It's all about passing through such phases with resilience. Something similar to this happened to me a while back and I was able to whisk through it pretty smoothly. Only after bleeding all the negative emotions out and learning to stop continually contemplating and obsessing on such emotions. Identifying the causes of these emotions is one thing but learning not to obsess on them is a whole other. Being in B.C. I get asked all the time if I am part first nations. This eventually allowed me to participate in a sweat lodge. The healing power of these sweats was astronomical, the chanting along with the burning of Sage was so cleansing. Not to mention coming out of a four hour sweat minus about six pounds. You should try a one of these, they have profound healing (acceleration) effects. p.s. don't wear your heart on your sleeve and in any case I am sure you willbe fine. LadiesLoveMyTong
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