Jumping on the Bed
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Posted:Dec 7, 2007 6:42 am
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2007 7:18 am
763 Views
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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 59 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Gotta Pee
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Posted:Dec 6, 2007 5:22 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
594 Views
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said:
These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!'
That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
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Robot Bartender
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Posted:Dec 5, 2007 8:36 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
551 Views
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to
attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martin i, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o...
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????
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Newfie & the
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Posted:Dec 5, 2007 5:36 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
584 Views
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The Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. twenty dollars?" she whispers.
He'd never been with a before, but he decides, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!" he answers indignantly.
""Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," he says, "neider did I, til you shined dat damn flashlight in her face!!"
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Blonde Joke - T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T.
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Posted:Dec 4, 2007 7:00 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2007 3:41 pm
692 Views
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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was tryin g to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I -F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.
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Love Story
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Posted:Dec 3, 2007 8:05 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
551 Views
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I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu...
Now get your minds out of the gutter and back to work!!
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Ghost Sex
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Posted:Dec 3, 2007 8:03 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
540 Views
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A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, ", all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began
to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the
room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you
said.........
"Goats!!"
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Catholic Golf
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Posted:Dec 3, 2007 7:54 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
553 Views
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A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the
Nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and th e round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out Of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
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Holiday Cheer
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Posted:Nov 30, 2007 8:10 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 12:36 pm
539 Views
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
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Business Advice
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Posted:Feb 12, 2007 8:07 am
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2014 9:08 am
843 Views
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Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg, were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says that he'll put in $200,000.
Ginsburg says: "Alright, I'll put in $50."
Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $50 you will be our Sexual Adviser."
Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
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