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Cleverly Disquised As A Responcible Adult!!! I'm just a girl with a brain that never sleeps, it's always working nonstop. I am a survivor seeking to be a thriver, a wife, an ex-wife, a lover, a polyamorous bi-sexual, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an anima l & nature lover, an open adoption birth mother, an educator, a swinger, a cheater, an abused child and woman, a survivor of that and so many others, always striving not to be the abuser, I need a place to be, to put it all out there, "maybe if it's no longer inside of me it won't keep threatening the life it belongs to". This is my therapy couch. I appreciate you reading, commenting and watching. Thanks for listening or not.
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Chance Knight Encounters and M&M Fun!
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Posted:May 20, 2015 1:43 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2015 12:18 pm
105192 Views
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Chance Encounters of the Knight Kind and Fun Bag of M&M
I’ve been so damn busy the last few weeks I haven’t had time to keep you guys up to date on the goings on around here. On the Viking Triad front things got very heated and pissy the past week plus. The Mistress sent me an email that said: “Every week when we talk I ask you towards the end of the conversation if there is anything else you’d like to talk about and you invariably say no or some permutation thereof. The Viking tells me the inverse.” Which to me says I’m a liar. The Viking and mistress swear that was not AT ALL what she meant but no one I’ve asked sees any other way of taking what she wrote and I think she did it to get a rise out of me which I should have ignored.
I don’t deal well with being called a liar especially not being called a liar by my husband’s mistress. I fired off a couple of emails basically taking off the gloves I’d been using when dealing with her and laying out the context under which the conversation between myself and the Viking took place as well as putting all the shit she didn’t want to deal with out on the table. Like the fact that it seems that if I’m within a few hours drive of where she and the Viking are spending alone time then it isn’t “special” alone time for her. Or that I can’t seem to get a straight answer from her on anything. She doesn’t want to be secondary she wants to be a dual-primary but she can’t explain what that actually looks like to her or what the difference is.
I spent the last 3 months playing what the Viking calls “politics of dancing”, otherwise known as tiptoe around the Mistress’s feeling or your husband will hate you! Quite frankly I was fucking fed up and still am with her emotionally needy, whiny, overly sensitive can’t give a straight fucking answer to save her life bullshit and I told her so in the nicest way I knew how. Which to her meant I was being “emotionally abusive”. I truly laughed my ass off at that and had to fight really hard not to show her exactly what a psycho jealous emotionally abusive wife would do to her. It was an exceedingly appealing fantasy to totally fuck her life up just to show her what abusive was. In the end I said my piece she sent tons of emails telling me nothing useful and as of late last week I told her I was taking a break from the whole damn mess.
Frankly, if she can’t figure out how to talk to me like a normal person and answer some pretty straight forward fucking questions then I’m done with her. Her overly emotionally needy shit will get old eventually. I’m already sick and tired of her and I haven’t even met her yet. I can’t for the life of me understand why the Viking is willing to put up with it.
Something good did come out of it all though. In the midst of her whining about how emotionally abusive I was being to her she made the Viking realize that he was completely dictating to me how all this was going to work. I had no choices, no voice, no input and it was her pointing it out that made him realize it. Of course she was only pointing it out in context of him not giving her equal say but it made him realize that compared to me she’s had a lot more options and input. If nothing else she has a very easy vote with her feet. In the meantime I took my therapists advice and took a time out from any contact with her. Tomorrow will be a week and I like it so much I think I’m going to continue my radio silence indefinitely.
On other fronts, my non-profit has been crazy busy with picking-up and dropping-off families moving in and out of our area with large pets. I spent the entire day from 5am until 4pm on a pick-up in Milan. I was exhausted but it is so gratifying to see the love of a pup and their owner when they finally get here safe and are reunited. Not to mention that I love getting to meet all the new pups coming to our area. We are slowly starting to get more volunteers and hope to have some new officer volunteers soon.
My last remaining BFF here in Italy and I went to lunch last Monday to the next major city over that has a Lush store. Ladies if you haven’t discovered Lush hair, body and make-up I highly recommend you check them out. Their products are all natural, smell, feel and work amazingly! I originally started using them because the Italian friend that went with Lil Bit and me to Florence and Rome last summer loved the store and I like good smelling bath stuff. Then I discovered that they have henna hair color and I was trying to avoid chemicals while I was pregnant. I got hooked on the daytime moisturizer with SPF and their shampoo. Each time I went they gave me more free samples of something else I fell in love with and now I’ve converted my BFF too (let’s call her Meme). Anyway, another friend of hers met us there for lunch and we had a most interesting conversation about being poly, swinging, being bi and sharing. Meme apparently decided she wanted me to fuck her and her husband. I swear I thought I was going to choke on my Bellini right there at the table.
Don’t get me wrong! Meme and her hubby Mick are a fabulously good looking couple and I have had many a fantasy about being in that sandwich. On the other hand we’d all also talked about being worried that sex would screw up the best friendship that I have had in years, maybe ever. Between not wanting to ruin a great friendship and knowing her history with swinging/sharing was bad I had written anything happening off as a fantasy and moved on. So her announcement at lunch threw me for a loop.
I told her I’d have to talk to the Viking and the Knight about it. Then the 3 of us (me, Meme & Mick) would need to sit down and have a very open honest discussion about it before I would agree. All the convo’s (except for the Knight) went smooth as glass. The Knight just never expressed his opinion either way when I asked for it so I took that as either he didn’t care or he wasn’t opposed. I still honestly expected it to fall by the wayside. Until I have more time to detail the actual encounter let’s just say that it is amazing when a Triad organically forms with people who all actually care about each other and want to have an open, honest loving relationship of three people. It was fucking-fan-tabulous!!!! I’m thrilled to have a sexy hot bi-gf for the first time in many, many years. The fact that she enjoys sharing her hubby is even better. I can’t wait to see them again. I teased her that it was fated that we were indeed GF’s when we both got our periods (several days early) the day after our initial Triad tryst.
The Viking was totally turned on by the fact that while he was schlepping to an amusement park I was fucking M&M’s brains out and planning on doing it again ASAP. He in turn fucked the shit out of me and for the first time in many months it felt like the old Viking & his Nympho. That didn’t last long but as least it was a glimpse of hope that things will return to normal at some point. In the meantime I will keep looking for the people I need to love me, need me and want me while he doesn’t. I choose to be happy in spite of it all.
I also ran into the Knight, purely by accident the day after his birthday. I think he was a little nervous about it but I hopefully set his mind at ease that I wasn’t going to embarrass him in front of his friends. Did I really want to drag his hot sexy ass off in the Z3 for some wild sex, yes but I refrained from anything other than a hug and a friendly reminder that if he didn’t tell me when, where he wanted to go at the end of the month I was going to plan a trip alone. I love that he is spontaneous but with a family, dogs and prices that increase the closer we get to the travel date I really have to plan ahead. I still haven’t heard so I don’t know if I’ll see him before June or not. I miss him because he really has a way of making me feel special, sexy and wanted, like when we are together his full focus is on me. He may not be interested at all when we aren’t together but we have such great conversations and sex that being with him is a true escape for me. The rest of the world melts away. I need more of that. I need to write about our last encounter too. It was another amazing night and getting to sleep late until the hotel called to kick us out…lol…
Last week also saw the Viking taking Lil Bit for her first Italian ER trip to make sure her arm wasn’t broken. It wasn’t. Just a bad sprain and bone bruise that was splinted in a record time of only 2 hours! She got hit by a baseball in the arm and then fell on top of it. The Viking took her because I was practicing with a musician friend for this Friday’s Music Café.
I got a call the next day from the music director for Music Café asking me if I’d be interested in being the featured artist for a Music Café. Apparently my musician friend was really impressed with my singing and suggested it to the director. Only problem is that the director wanted him to learn 2 or 3 new songs with me and practice them before Friday. No problem for me but the other band members couldn’t make it happen so I’m hoping by the June Music Café we’ll have it all worked out. In any case I was extremely flattered that he asked me. I just love to sing.
I’m working the rest of this week. Music Café is Friday night and then we are taking a family trip to Cinque Terra for the long weekend. The Z3 is going to the shop tomorrow to have the new convertible top put on and should be like new when we get back from vacation. I’m down to 133 lbs and pants are starting to fall off me. Numerous people have noticed the weight loss so I’m really pleased and hope I can keep it up for another 10 ish or so lbs. I finally got enough time to go pick up all of my bloodwork that has to be done for the IVF clinic but the nurse wouldn’t give me a copy. She said the OB/GYN left a note that they were not to release the reports until she had a chance to talk to me about them. The reports had lots of numbers highlighted and circled but since they are all in Italian I have no clue what was out of whack and I’m scared shitless about it. I go in next Tuesday to see the OB/GYN and get the results so we will see.
I hope you all have a fabulous Memorial Day. Remember the reason we celebrate. Say a prayer for those who gave all and the families they left behind as well as those who serve and the families who love them. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
The Nympho in Need
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Nympho's Knight Night
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Posted:May 5, 2015 2:43 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2015 1:37 pm
106853 Views
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Happy Cinco Di Mayo – Nympho’s Knight Night
Yes it is Monday (actually now it’s Tuesday about to be Wed here in Italy but things move slow here. Allora) and I’m happy (still). After the fabulous weekend I had along with getting back to the gym for power pump classes Monday and a massage I am feeling fine. I’m down to 138 lbs. My pants are getting too big and I have a 25 year old hottie fucking me senseless. Life is good. In fact that is my focus, being thankful for all that I have and not focusing on what I don’t have. I’m returning my locus of control to internal and enjoying all that life has for me. I know I’ll falter and fail at points but I’ll be a better person for the struggle.
I turned our bedroom balcony into a private garden retreat this past week. I’ve got the Pet Project’s 501c application well under way as well as getting back on track with things there. We have already done 7 pick-ups and drop-offs this year and have more than that coming up. Our fundraisers have brought in enough money to fully reimburse our volunteers without having to ask the families moving for donations. Plus paying for the 501c application fee and merchandise to include in our fundraising efforts and promotions to get us more recognition. We have a few new volunteers and plans to get the word out to the community. We’re having to do some restructuring since our Secretary is having to move soon but with new volunteers we should be able to transition over to new people easily in the coming year. My last drop-off was a heartbreak since it was my best friend moving back to the states but I’m lucky to still have my other best friend here, MD. She came over today to check out the new retreat and approved. We sat out there laughing our asses off until the Viking got home and then some.
On top of that this past week has been a constant chore of sorting through the house trying to think of other things we need to send with the Viking when he moves. The movers are picking up his stuff this week so it anything we want to go back to the states next year to be there when we get in has to go with him. It is a pain in the ass but we’re about done now.
I’ve got to come up with a Blog name for my new paramour. I’ve been working it over in my head since I met him. I’m leaning towards him being my Knight because he is in many ways a Knight in Shining Armor for me. Don’t go thinking I’ve lost my mind or anything, hear me out. I was feeling abysmal until he came along. Yes, I was working my way out on my own but his entrance makes the climb out a hell of a lot easier. Hopefully, he’ll feel like he’s getting back at least what he’s giving. He reminded me that there are men, even half my age that find me extremely attractive, intelligent and fun to be with. He is sweet, caring, loving, funny and so damn sexy it makes me ache. He’s helping me remember that I am more than the Viking’s Nympho. I was the Nympho long before the Viking and will be even without him if it comes to that. So my dear readers unless some of you can come up with something better for a Blog Moniker I believe my new paramour shall be dubbed the Knight.
My Knight and I got to go away for the night last Friday. It was a super hectic day and I was running late but so happy to get away. We took the Z3 to Florence which was a fun 2.5 hour drive maybe longer on the way down since it rained part of the time which means taking it easy on the speed in that car. He took advantage of the keyhole neckline of my dress with the push up bra. He might have been a bit put out when his fingers first came in contact with my pretty purple panties. But he compensated by keeping my skirt hiked up to my waist most of the drive. He was very careful not to distract me too much and gallant enough to make sure my skirt was back down to decent levels when we were in traffic or pulling into the toll booths. I’m driving a stick shift in fuck me heels so I don’t always remember to pull down my dress…lol…
I found us a beautiful B&B that is in a renovated castle that also holds several private apartments. It is nestled on a Tuscan hillside overlooking Florence. The views were incredible. The owner spoke fabulous English and was very helpful with maps for places to eat nearby. Our room was a cute corner with a window onto the interior courtyard. As soon as our host left the room I was in his arms, gasping for breath from the intensity of the kissing. That was a long drive to wait with few chances along the way. When he moved his attention to my jaw and throat on the way to my ear, I thought I was going to melt as he growled/purred asked my skin. You just have no idea how damn sexy that unique sound he makes is. It reminds me of something I know I’ve read over and over in Anita Blake books. Now I’m going to have to find it.
I was wearing a sexy purple dress that promptly got discarded. He took a moment to admire and compliment the matching purple print panty and bra set. The panties quickly followed the dress. I managed to get his sweater and shirt off before he redirected things. Only the purple pin-up heels and bra remained as he started to kiss up the inside of my leg as he turned me to the wall telling me to put my hands above my head on the door jam and lean in. I think he growled, “I could kiss your ass for days” as he kissed, licked and bit every curve. He ran his hands up my curves as he kissed my spine and turned me back around unhooking my bra. My tits are the perfect size to spill out of his hands enough to give his mouth access. Most men don’t pay nearly enough attention to my tits. The sight of his gorgeous face looking up at me with his mouth wrapped around my nipple has haunted me since. But then so has the view from the first night with him with his tongue on my pussy while his eyes watched my face. Haunting in a very good way.
I’m sure the innkeeper got an earful until we wore each other out enough to get hungry and redressed. To be completely honest with you we had sex so many times while we were there that I can’t really remember which session came first or second or last. There was missionary with the fuck me purple pin-up heels still on and several with them off. There was doggie faces every direction on the compass. There was some serious BJ and ball loving in the shower which of course resulted in more fucking.
You might think it was just a night of non-stop wild sex but there was a great meal with laughter and good conversation. There were hours sitting out on the castle grounds on my scarf and his jacket watching the stars, the lights of Florence, talking, laughing, sharing our life stories and thoughts, drinking a bottle and a half of local Chianti. Of course there was also copious amounts of fondling, caressing, kissing and sex under the stars. It was incredible.
I had dreams of castles, lords, ladies and knights galore. I distinctly remember waking up several times during the night, not startled like most times I wake in a strange place because I was immediately comforted by the feeling of safety from the gorgeous man still entwined with me. The Viking isn’t a cuddler when he’s actually sleeping. I don’t always like to sleep cuddled but I if I could I would more often than not. I had completely forgotten how much I really like being able to sleep with someone entwined with them. Whether it’s just our legs curled over each other or full on spooning I really like it. I didn’t realize how much I really need that additional touch I’ve been without for over 2 years now. Funny how you can forgot how much you like something if you go without it long enough. The next morning there was too much noise to sleep really late. We managed to stay in bed until 10. Then got up to explore the grounds in the daylight.
My one regret was that we didn’t take advantage of the hotel room one more time before we left since we didn’t have to check out until noon. I’m not sure why we didn’t other than being excited about exploring together. Florence was waiting. I’ve been at least twice before. I really love it but seeing it with someone who hasn’t been before makes it as beautiful to me as it was the first time.
I’m going to stop here because it’s late and I want to go to bed. My dreams of late are good. I hope all my favorite pervs here are having a fabulous week. Take care of each other and love each other well.
Kisses,
The Nympho
Photos
1)My gf MD said I looked particularly well fucked in this one so I thought I'd share. I wish I could share the pics of gorgeous man who made me that way but I wouldn't out anyone like that.
2)For those of you who want more skin.
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Happy Happy Friday!
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Posted:Apr 24, 2015 4:04 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2015 11:48 am
106939 Views
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Happy Happy Friday!
I spent the night with my new paramour last night. I’m fucking exhausted from all the fabulous fucking but OMG was it great! I’m deliciously sore in all the right places and still contently processing all we talked about last night and all the things we didn’t talk about last night. He brought wine, chocolates, candles, bubble bath, and massage oil along with a healthy dose of seriously wanting his hands all over me. I was mightily impressed! It has been a very long time since any man went to such measures to impress me. That night with him is the first time since mid-Feb that my brain and body have been so focused and engaged with someone else enough to not think about the issues with the Viking. Even when he asked something in reference to them there wasn’t that gut wrench that normally accompanies.
My new paramour is such a sweetheart and so damned sexy. I think the sweet just makes him even sexier. I’m still blown away that he really seems to be into me. We had a great time last night there weren’t any awkward pauses or uncomfortable silences from my viewpoint anyway. He was incredibly easy to talk to and so very attentive. He’s a little reserved in public but I totally understand why and I suspect if this lasts longer he’ll get more comfortable. We’re both expecting to run into all kinds of people we know and have all kinds of weirdness about answering questions but I think we’ll be pleasantly surprised by how few people we ever run into. I’m looking forward to the first time we get to spend a weekend off alone together.
Unfortunately, it will be a few weeks before I can swing that with all the stuff going on with moving season upon us pick-ups and drop-offs have drastically increased so I’m busy. We have lots of friends moving so tons of farewells to go to, plus all the paperwork and bureaucratic hoops we’re having to jump through for us to stay here. The pieces for that are falling into place but it is annoying and often much harder than it should be.
I have to come up with a good nickname for my new paramour but I want something really fitting. He is so much more than the gorgeous wrapper you see. He is deep, complex and interesting. I haven’t asked him how much I can write about him so I’m trying not to write too much witout that talk. So many positions, ahh I mean conversations to be had and so little time.
Anyway, one of the things we were talking about last night was what constitutes a Cougar versus a MILF. He says, he and his buddies would consider me a MILF not a Cougar because Cougars are old with really young guys. Which I thought was funny since I am old enough to be his mom…lmao…but I think of it more along the lines of age differences of more than 10 years being a MILF and more the 15-20 being a Cougar. I don’t care what he wants to call me as long as it often and involves a lot more fucking and licking me!
I had hoped that the addition of a paramour for me would improve the Viking’s sex drive but he even joked about pawning me off on other men tonight. That was one of those jokes that hit a little too close to home to be funny. Ironically, the Mistress (as she has so dubbed herself) asked me for my advice on how to go about pursuing a possible FWB situation with someone interested in her during our weekly Friday phone call. That was an odd but also encouraging conversation. Not everyday you are asked to dispense dating advice to your husband’s GF…lmao….
Long day of cleaning house tomorrow in prep for the cookout on Sunday. I really want to be bent over some piece of furniture while a hot hard man contemplates how he wants to fuck me next. Two hot hard red headed men would be even better. A girl can dream, right? Actually right now I’m more interested in working up to the amount of individual one on one time I want with him so he isn’t running screaming when the Viking is gone and I’m all over him…lol...we haven’t discussed how he feels about additional men but I suspect he’s going to want to take that time for himself if he can rather than allow another man. For my part I have to make sure I don’t interfere with his ability to seek other women when/if he wants them. Ahh the joys of discovering someone new.
I hope everyone has a great weekend, myself included. I’m trying to find the camera so you have some new eye candy. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
Photos from the Ball and waking up with perfect hair 20 lbs lighter than I was 4 months ago.
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Happy 420 2015 and Soul Sunshine
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Posted:Apr 20, 2015 4:26 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2015 12:43 pm
106720 Views
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It is amazing to me how having that one special person take the time to want to be with me or share with me can raise my spirits beyond belief. I was lucky to have that from 2 gorgeous men this weekend. Life would be grand if that were a regular thing. I’ve been continuing to look for a new love here and met someone really amazing this weekend when the Viking and I had lunch with a potential new BF today. He’s sweet, smart, absolutely gorgeous and wants me. The Viking was duly impressed and whole heartedly gave his stamp of approval.
Of course the inner critic says it won’t work, he’ll flake, he doesn’t really want to get involved with all this mess, etc. Statistically, the critic is likely to be right but all of us need hope. Even if nothing ever comes of this, I’m so thankful for the soul sunshine he brought me this weekend. We had a great time at lunch and on our stroll alone later. Hopefully, we’ll get to see what other kinds of fireworks we can make happen soon. This is scary stuff opening up again after so long of just being with the Viking. I forgot just how much I miss having someone else to talk to, to touch, to lean on, to want me and to want. I was hit by a wave of lust and wanting when he sat down that the Viking said he was impressed I didn’t jump him immediately.
I’m hoping he & I can do dinner and spend a night together this week to really see how things go. We’ll see. It is the weekend before the Viking’s birthday so we can’t go away. It is also the last weekend before my BFF leaves. Plus Lil Bit is grounded to her room for the week due to her refusal to do what she is supposed to do and then getting an major attitude with the Viking and I.
Of course this doesn’t change anything with the Viking. I think he expects it too but it doesn’t work that way. If I have someone else it makes it easier for me to handle and work through this all but it isn’t going to change my needs, limits and wants in regards to him. I’m worried he’s going to agree to things because he feels he has to out of guilt and that is not how this should work.
Our formal event at a castle in Verona was lovely. These functions aren’t fun, per se, but I love being all dressed up and beautiful with 300 other beautiful people for an evening in a castle. I’ll have to see if I can get a pic up of me with the bronze Great Dane statues at the castle entrance. My dress was almost too big which is really awesome. The weight loss is finally making a difference in my clothes. Fun.
I hope everyone has a great week. I’m going to get some much needed work done for the pet project and other obligations I’ve been neglecting. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
Soul Sunshine
The spark in their eyes
The lingering of a hand
The chemistry ignites
but that doesn't mean it will stand.
We all feel the tugs from another kindred soul
When they stroll into our lives
Like a ray of sunshine
for our souls.
How long the sunshine lasts?
None of us ever know.
Bask in it while it is still glow.
Discovering all the pieces
That make us who we are
Reminds us of the wonderful treasures that we are.
Filled to overflowing
and still more to give.
Bring on the soul sunshine
let's show the world
how to truly live.
LAF 4/20/15
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Breaking Out of Hell Continues
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Posted:Apr 17, 2015 5:38 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2015 12:42 pm
107293 Views
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The daily battle rages on for me. We’ve been home a week tomorrow night. I’ve tried hard not to be too needy, to give the Viking some space and not trying to be smothering. On the flip side I feel like I’m constantly intruding on his conversations with the GF and have to explain myself every time I walk into the room while he’s IM’ing or on the phone. It seems like we are right back to living the way we were prior to the Reveal. I wasn’t happy with it then and I’m not happy with it now. The Viking is or at least he’s happy enough or not miserable enough to do anything differently.
The GF seemed to have taken a huge step back from me after her visit and we all shared our “User Manual” Section A with each other. I’ll add the User Manual to the bottom of this or maybe as a separate post so you guys have an idea of what we’re doing. I’m reading all my books like crazy, taking notes, journaling, have some great breakthroughs and epiphanies lately. Like seeing my being able to choose an appropriate and safe way and place to break down being a sign of emotional maturity and growth. I need to work on being able to release all of that negativity before it gets that bad but I think I’m doing better with that. Like realizing that music, singing, even if just in my head or talking, keeps my inner critic at bay. A coping mechanism and a way of safe emotional release for me since childhood. Being good at finding the connections and seeing patterns but not knowing how to move past them.
The Viking and I had a nice talk yesterday about how we see things right now. He’s good with the way things are right now. He sees himself making an effort to spend quality time with me and with GF (albeit her time is digital due to distance). We’ve shelved the conversations on future visits until after our June visit. Right now neither of our positions on future time alone has changed and I’m worried it may not. I want there to be an element of working on the whole anytime she visits until we are back in the states. I see this time issue becoming even more difficult when we are living close to each other.
He wants time alone with her without any constraints of working on repairing us (he doesn’t see any problems to fix) or the Big Us at the same time. He feels like I’m being needy, clingy and smothering him with what I want from him. He wants to continually point out how much more of him I get than her but it isn’t supposed to be a contest, or where everyone gets the same. She’s just coming into this relationship why would she expect to get the same kind of time commitment or anything else? She seems to think we spend and have copious amounts of time together alone which we don’t.
I feel like he doesn’t want to be here with me anymore but in all honesty perhaps not for a long time. Maybe I bore him or he’s just tired of the same. He seems to feel like we know everything there is to know about each other so we don’t need to work to stay connected anymore. As if who we are is static in the face of all that is changing for us. I’m afraid now because I don’t think he’s been in love with me for a long time but I am in love with him. There’s been very few times in the entire 5 years we’ve been together that I’ve not felt in love with him. He says the feeling of being in love for him comes and goes. Once the NRE wears off he doesn’t feel in love. I guess when I was the only one he loved at all that wasn’t such a big deal. Now that he loves and is in love with another woman that is something very different for me to get used to dealing with. Before when he wasn’t in love with me, I probably wouldn’t notice as much. Now when he isn’t in love with me but is in love with someone else the difference hurts more because it is obvious. There also was never the fear the he might not fall back in love with me again when there wasn’t someone else. I know that ultimately I have no choice in that and in some ways neither does he but it is still a huge adjustment in and of itself without all the added layers we’re dealing with. I’m very afraid that his desire to have this added relationship on his terms or none will destroy us. I’m afraid that he isn’t going to be able to balance our needs at all because my needs aren’t going to be heard or understood. I know that my fears, insecurities, jealousies are mine to work through but his choices to date have not helped me trust him but him talking to me does. Him reminding me that he isn’t leaving me, loving me any less or making choices that he knows will hurt me does help.
I don’t feel like there’s any concerted effort to work on us (Viking and  , to repair us. I feel like he spends all his spare time in his computer room so he can chat with her and/or play a video game. He rarely comes out except to eat (sometimes), work out, shower and sleep. I started working out with him after we got home in an effort to extend myself and spend more time with him. He doesn’t seem to mind that I slow him down or make him work harder to help me and I need to get in better shape. I’ve dropped from 158 in December to 140-143 depending on the day and time I weigh. I want to drop another 15-20 lbs.
Sitting in the computer room is what he’s done for the last 2 years and I have felt neglected the entire time. Maybe as he pointed out today because prior to that I had other people in my life. It wasn’t until we were cut off from the lifestyle and I had no one but him that I felt that way. Now I’m having a hard time transitioning back to finding other people to fill those needs that have been unmet for 2 years. I have no one in the lifestyle anymore because of his decision that we had to be monogamous while we were here. It takes time for me to process change especially of this magnitude.
I’m making a concerted effort to find new people to invest my time and energy into. He’s right that it isn’t fair to expect him to fulfill all my needs, it never should have been, but that is what happened over the last 2 years. I need his help to get back to where I was. It will take time for me to find those new connections. I’m struggling with how many of the men who contact me are married and cheating. I don’t want to be that woman and I don’t think it is going to allow them to have time to build a friendship and relationship. It’s just sex and that just isn’t enough for me.
Thank goodness I have a good friend here now that I can talk about all of this with. Of course as happy as I am to have her, I’m about to lose my very first best friend here. Yes, I know that moving frequently is just a part of his career but I don’t think that necessarily makes it easier. Several good friends are moving this spring and summer which sucks.
I have a way forward. He’s basically said just plan what I want to do and let him know where to be. So I’m going to plan a ton of stuff for us to do together over the next 6 weeks. When we aren’t together I’m going to be busy with getting back in shape, getting back in the pottery studio, writing more and maybe I’ll even get out my paints again. I still have some gardening to do too. I’ve got to get back to being happy with or without him. That is how he fell in love with me, not the mess I am right now. I’ve got to find balance to allow myself the compassion to feel what I need to, heal, grow and move forward. It’s hard. Thank you all for holding my hand on this journey like all my others. I need all the love and support I can get right now.
We’ve got a busy weekend starting with early morning family pictures (canceled due to rain), Lil Bit school conference, the return of the weekly afternoon phone call with the GF and Music Café tonight. Saturday we have a formal event to attend at a castle in Verona. I’m excited about that! Might get to meet a gorgeous hottie in the process. That would be a good weekend for sure.
Take care sexy pervs and have a great weekend.
Kisses,
L
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Breaking Out of Hell
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Posted:Apr 9, 2015 4:16 am
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2015 2:19 pm
107082 Views
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Breaking Out of Hell
Sometime last night between reading and responding to all the comments on my blog, my Viking making me dinner, doting on me and him including me in making plans for the next visit with the GF that include time for me, all of us together and her and I alone I realized that I needed to change my perspective. I have so much in my life to be thankful for. Thank you all for helping me get back to my normal demeanor of choosing to be happy in spite of what life hands me. Each and every one of you that has commented, read and shown me your support by being here has helped me start that journey back to happiness. My inbox has had an unusually large number of positive and encouraging emails as well. I’m starting to have hope that there maybe people here open to adding me to their lives for the next year or so. Building my support base here may have come late but better late than never.
I’ve also been reading a good book on C-PTSD: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. It has been so long since I had to deal with any serious impacts on my life from my C-PTSD that I seem to have forgotten all the ways it can affect me. In reality I don’t think I ever really did a lot of research into it but I certainly am now. In all aspects of my life the more I know the better I feel and understanding why I feel so awful is no different. I’m trying to help the Viking understand that my reactions and feelings are not just about what is happening with us but about it dragging all that past pain to the surface. All my years in therapy are helping me cope and have allowed me to get through this last 6 weeks alone dealing with all of this. The Viking is the only person (outside of therapy) I feel safe enough to let myself break down and be weak and I need to work on that. That isn’t fair to him or realistically good for me.
After I wrote my last blog, I also wrote a long email to the GF getting very real and honest about how I felt things were going and she seemed to take it in the vein it was presented. She hasn’t had time to respond to it completely but she did send a reply to let me know that she appreciated me sharing all I had. All 3 of us worked together to plan the next visit in June so that it isn’t just the Viking and GF’s time alone. The Viking will go with me to see family. All 3 of us will have some time together and the GF and I will have some time together away from the Viking. Of course they will have their few days together. I think maybe it finally sunk into the Viking that I have never had to deal with him sleeping in another woman’s bed before never mind him spending numerous days there and it is really hard. It would have been hard even under the best of circumstances but these are anything but ideal.
Believe me I’m still worried and upset but I can see the sun shining through the storm clouds again now. I’m also trying to stay aware that all that negativity may very well come back the next time we are apart or that he decides to go back to “my way or the highway”. I’m constantly reminding myself that this is hard for us all including him. I think most of my return to finding happiness came when sometime after the last blog I just accepted that there was only so much I could do but that no matter what happens I will truly be ok. I am a strong, beautiful, sexy, generous, loving woman that many a man would be thrilled to have. If the Viking is stupid enough to let me go or drive me away then it is his loss and his choice. Nothing I can do about that. I will be here loving him and trying to make this work but I’m not going to spend any more time curled up in a ball on a floor somewhere. I’m getting back out into the sun and being happy. Thank you pervs for helping me. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
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From Purgatory to Hell!
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Posted:Apr 7, 2015 12:25 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2015 2:18 pm
107469 Views
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From Purgatory to Hell
I thought when I got back into his arms everything would be ok. That is how it has always worked before but not this time and I’m very afraid not anymore. The last 2 days we’ve had the most horrific fights in our entire time together. At one point last night I was so upset I was throwing pillows, my phone and wound up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out in a desperate attempt to get away from the pain. I never imagined that I could ever feel this awful in my marriage with the Viking.
I got up here and he tells me they are planning 7-14 days in August together, she wants time in Oct and her being with him for the week of NYE despite him having promised me that this holiday was ours since it is the first time in our relationship we’ve had the opportunity to be free and spend the entire holiday break together. It was one of the last things we talked about before she got here. He’s still in his “I want what I want and will have it my way no matter what”. He basically told me last night I can either let him do what he wants or he’ll just hide it from me. I told him that there was obviously nothing I could do to stop him from making that decision but that wasn’t something that was good for any of us.
He doesn’t understand why I need more time to adjust to him being alone with the GF for more than 3-4 days at a time. He doesn’t understand the kind of pain I’m in trying to deal with this. Or maybe deep down he just doesn’t care anymore. He says I’m being needy and I know he hates that.
I feel like I’ve lost my safe place. He doesn’t seem to care what I need if it interferes with what he wants which is as much time alone with the GF as possible. His wants are paramount. He says he’s my guard but he can’t be when he won’t compromise to reduce some of the pain I’m in.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve sent him resources on C-PTSD to read so he can understand better what I’m trying to cope with. I’ve bought all the recommended poly books. I’ve compromised on how often he sees her and for how long. I even offered to share the holidays with her but I’m not giving that up without a fight. I’ve given and compromised all I’m going to at this point. I just can’t give anymore or compromise anymore with being in this excruciating pain. I need time to adjust to the idea of sharing his heart and apparently that just isn’t something he’s willing to give me.
Please keep sending positive energy and prayers our way for things to work themselves out. Thank you all for your love and support. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
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Poly Purgatory – Day 3 & 4 of 4 – Ain’t No Rest For the Wicked
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Posted:Apr 6, 2015 5:49 am
Last Updated:May 4, 2015 1:30 pm
91874 Views
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Day 2 & 3 are so similar in how I felt all day as to be almost indistinguishable from each other. Lil Bit and I went to lunch with good friends of ours who are leaving/moving in a few weeks. Then we spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and getting her ready to go to camp. It is her first sleep away camp and I hope she enjoys it.
I spend Day 3 thinking that the Viking was just refusing to call me despite me making numerous and very plain requests for him to make time to call me privately. I had decided I wasn’t going to fly up to see him and I almost didn’t go. He called at 5pm Saturday saying he just hadn’t paid enough attention to realize what I was actually asking for. Of course he said he still wanted me to come up for the week.
I got maybe an hour of sleep last night before I had to leave the house at 3:15am to catch the shuttle to the airport. I got here this morning and we spent the first several hours shopping for food since everything will be closed Sunday and Monday for the Easter holiday. While shopping we were arguing about him thinking I want to get rid of the GF and him wanting a totally separate relationship with her despite having spent the last 6 weeks saying that wasn’t what he wanted.
He doesn’t understand the emotional/physical pain I am in every time he is with her or how this has triggered a complex PTSD episode for me making this so much harder for me to deal with. I don’t want to get rid of her but I also am not willing to ok a totally separate relationship with her. I don’t see any way around this for us and I’m afraid it may tear us apart. I guess we’ll see how the weeks ahead go and how it all plays out but I still feel like he’s telling her he’s building one thing with her and telling me something totally different so he gets us both the way he wants.
He still hasn’t shared a whole lot about their weekend together which makes me think that there is a lot he doesn’t want me to know about but perhaps it is just a matter of not knowing what all to tell me. No magic words from him to make the pain go away. No reassures that my worst fears aren’t becoming reality. Just more proof that he’s telling me one thing and her something else. I’m ready to go home now and not leave for a long time. I just want to crawl into bed and not come out until this is all over with.
I hope everyone had a great Easter holiday. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
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Poly Purgatory – Day 2 of 4 – Lingering in Limbo
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Posted:Apr 3, 2015 11:09 am
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2015 2:12 pm
91654 Views
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I think I finally got to sleep about 3am last night. The Ambien just didn’t work. The headache is not hurting but it isn’t quite gone either. I had some odd and disturbing dreams last night but at least I didn't wake up crying or screaming like the night before. Small steps of improvement, right?
Got a text from the Viking early, 7 or 8 but didn’t get up until 11ish. I was sending him an email about the latest IVF developments when he popped up on IM. I thought he told me he had to work today and Monday but he said he was off both. Anyway I asked him to please make time sometime today or tonight to just have a few minutes alone to call and not be distracted by driving or someone else listening in. I told him it was nothing major I wasn’t freaking out or anything but I really needed to hear his voice and know that I had his undivided attention for the few minutes he was talking to me. So what does he do, he calls with her in the background and then wonders why I don’t really want to talk right then. He hasn’t read the email so I repeat it for him on the phone and he repeats it for her. Their joking about how far from the wall the bed is, how great his cock is and I wind up on the phone with her for her to thank me and tell me how great his cock is. I’m all for sharing and being open about the sex but I asked for a private “I need you moment” and got a “thanks for the fuck-cation, hate that you feel like shit but we’re having a wonderful time. Talk to you later.” I don’t ask for much from him. I really hate to ask anything of him but when I do especially like this it is important to me.
I got my period last night but all of Europe takes a 4 day holiday for Easter so there is no place for me to have my hormonal panel of bloodwork done within the 2-3 day window of my cycle this month. That means we have to wait until next month, hope the 2nd, 3rd or 4th day of my cycle aren’t on the weekend or a holiday and push off the IVF another month. Frees up June’s calendar but could potentially screw up July and August big time. Very frustrating plus I’m just struggling harder with just letting the emotions be what they are. I don’t like how I feel so it is harder to just accept that it’s ok to feel like this.
The day continued to get better. I go to the post office to find out why there are packages on Amazon that say they’ve been delivered but we’ve gotten no notices. Apparently all of our packages have been being forwarded to where the Viking is at for another week. Stupid paperwork screw ups that will take months to fix our mail being all over Europe. Lil Bit’s Easter presents are in there, my shoes, the parrot’s food and the Viking’s very expensive anniversary/birthday present will be shipping soon. So before I sign all the legal paperwork they need on our end I felt I had better call to make sure he didn’t do it deliberately which of course he didn’t and now I feel bad because I’m interrupting.
He had asked me to try to get the GF a massage appointment while she was there since I was getting them for myself. I do all the leg work to contact 2 different massage therapists and start syncing calendars. I get two available times for her to go and now he doesn’t want any of them. I am not doing that anymore. Done. I’m starting to feel like I’m too fucking nice for my own good when it comes to what he’s willing to ask of me.
I know a few things for sure after this. I am not going through this again in 6 weeks and a 3rd time 6-8 weeks after that. I can’t do it. This is too fucking painful. I’m not pushing any harder on myself anymore. Somebody else can start doing some of the painful shit for a change. I’m done. If he means what he says about this being an us thing then it needs to start being an us thing not they have fun and I am left in a painful limbo.
I’m not going to be ok with him adding anyone else to this relationship again until I am sure that the relationship between him and I is solid again and we have some sort of idea how the GF is going to be included. I’m still not convinced he can really love both of us at once. I’m not saying I don’t think anyone can be in love with more than one person at a time. I know it can and does happen but I haven’t seen it yet in person. And I’m terrified I may not see it.
Right now I’m not feeling loved. I’m feeling betrayed and neglected so that the person who just broke my heart with his lies and deceit can enjoy 4 days with the woman he’s had an emotional affair with behind my back for more than the last year. Working with her on building a future that may or may not fit with the future he and I have talked about and built for 5 years.
After telling me we had to abandon any form of our lifestyle for the last 2 years, he pursued her and left me begging for him to reconnect to our marriage and sex life. I’ve been surviving on scraps of the emotional connection that he wanted to give me for 2 years and now I’m supposed to accept less than that to add another woman? I’m supposed to be ok with coping with the “Reveal”, a month of Jekyll & Hyde, pushing me away, telling me to take it or get out, no private time to call me when he’s with her, and planning another 2 visits with more alone time in less than 2 months with a promise that we will work on things in the 6 weeks before the next 2 visits. 6 weeks that have to also include getting his household goods ready, shipped, the house here rearranged, all the needed paperwork for us to stay and added things I’m going to need to learn to take over while he’s gone. Certainly not us spending days in bed together enjoying each other and reconnecting. 2 more visits this summer where no doubt he’ll want even more alone time because if I can get through this alone I should be able to do it again, right? When do I get to stop going through the hard painful shit alone? When do I get my husband back? Or do I? Has the dynamic changed so much now that nothing I say or do matters? I’m strong I can handle it so I don’t get a safe place to fall apart anymore?
Hopefully, I’ll get there Sunday and he’ll start telling me all kinds of things that make me feel much better about all of this but right now I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m hurting, I’m angry and there’s nothing I can do about it but wait another day and a half and pray that we’re not back to where we were weeks ago. Praying that my worst nightmare isn’t starting all over again.
Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
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Poly Purgatory - Day 1 of 4 - Heaven or Hell
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Posted:Apr 2, 2015 3:39 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2015 2:08 pm
104478 Views
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It was a good day of gardening today. I deliberately took the entire day off from any and everything so I could sleep as long as I wanted and plant pretty spring bulbs all day. Now comes the nasty part of cleaning the house until I leave early Sunday. I didn’t get much sleep last night but I got more than I expected. I had a really good conversation with the Viking about being sure that our shared vision of what the future was and looked like was still the same. The GF got in this morning. The Viking left her napping as he went into work. He called me on the way to make sure I was ok. I felt much better after talking to him and he’s made an effort to email and text me as well. It’s very sweet of him but right now I’m ok. That phase where you’re feeling crazy thoughts racing through your head at a million miles an hour, heart pounding, nauseous, dizzy, guts knotting and twisting, is not happening as often or as intensely.
As I process, it is getting easier. Once I just accepted or remembered several really basic things I should never forget. I have no control over when, if and how anyone in my life leaves my life. I only have some influence on how the time we have is spent. That love is the motivation in this for all. That this whole situation has thrown me into a complete Complex PTSD relapse but some of the worst symptoms went away as well as some anxiety. I started dusting off the emotional toolbox and figuring out what I still knew and didn’t know. Last night and today I figured out that a large part of my fear is wrapped up in whether or not the Viking’s wants/needs/desires for the future have changed. I have no problem adding people to our plan but I can’t take half of the Viking out of our future and be ok with that. Anyone we add from my standpoint has to be willing to deal with us primarily as a couple with alone time being pretty minimal. My desire for the future remains intimately entwined with the Viking. I was afraid he had decided he wanted something very different than us intimately entwined for the rest of our lives. He says that isn’t the case. I have to accept what he says as what he means but it is awful hard given the last 6 weeks.
Figuring out all these little pieces of what my jealousy and insecurities are trying to tell me is great but it doesn’t do anything to actually improve how I feel. Only hearing my Viking’s voice, feeling his arms and the time it will take to get me there will improve how I feel.
Our IVF adventure continues with me having gotten the first round of bloodwork done yesterday. We are all anxiously awaiting my period to try to figure out when/what dates I’m going to have to start meds and actually be in the clinic. We pretty much decided that the Viking is just going to have to go, leave a sample whenever he can and then I’m there for the 2 weeks duration with or without him. All the stress in Feb caused me to have a double period which totally screwed the calendar tracking.
The pieces for us staying here for the next year appear to be falling into place. There still a slight chance it might not work out but it seems pretty much a given. Don’t uncross your appendages just yet please..lol...
As the light fades, the moon rises before the sun can set. The darkness brings a whole new challenge, no nightly fix of Viking as he is otherwise engaged. I know I’ll hear from him tomorrow since he has to work but another 2 nights after this with little or no contact Saturday.
The title of course referencing the current hell I'm in with things being so unknown and still dealing with the betrayals and pushing me away. It also refers to the fact that this whole thing could bring us all heaven or hell. There just is no way to know. We're all floundering around in this together with no clue what we're doing.
Housecleaning I hear is very cathartic. I’m off to test that theory. I have a migraine from hell but at least the gardening made me tired enough that I should sleep tonight after a hot shower.
We have a full day of cleaning, laundry and packing tomorrow. The girl is out of school and has to get her camp bag packed plus an overnight bag. I’ve just about got her Easter basket finished. Alright times to get back to chores for a bit longer.
Migraine kicked in around 6pm so I think I’m going to call it a day, take an Ambien and hope for a few good hours of sleep tonight maybe a good dream or two for a change. I left my TENS unit in my med/make-up bag in the Viking cave so I have no way to get rid of these knots.
You pervs enjoy your Easter weekend. Ours is going to be the most non-Easter like Easter we’ve ever had. Lots of traveling but then we’re done traveling for a few weeks. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
The perfect song for how I feel:
"The Heart Wants What It Wants"
You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive
I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive
The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lighting me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait
And every second's like torture
Heroin drip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby, baby, no, I can't escape
The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
This is a modern fairytale
No happy endings
No wind in our sails
But I can't imagine a life without
Breathless moments
Breaking me down, down, down, down
The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants
It wants what it wants
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4 Days of Hell!
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Posted:Apr 1, 2015 4:31 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2015 2:07 pm
104282 Views
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The GF is on a plane headed to my Viking's arms. By 10am he will be holding this other woman telling her how much he loves her and wants to build a future with her. This shit hurts so bad it is insane. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate. I did manage to get packed. I fly out really early Easter Sunday so the next 4 days are going to be hell.
I know his loving her doesn't mean he loves me any less. I know my jealousy, insecurities and fear are only mine and I have to learn from what these feelings are telling me, process it and move forward. What I know with my brain and logic does nothing to help my heart and guts as they feel like they are being ripped out.
This too shall pass. We will all be stronger for it. Change is inevitable, growth is optional, hard, painful but totally worth it.
Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
LA
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News Flash - Nympho Unleashed on EU
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Posted:Mar 27, 2015 4:18 pm
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2015 4:32 pm
104421 Views
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Friday March 27, 2015 – The Nympho has been unleashed on Europe!
What a crazy week this has been! It started off and ended very busy with some lovely meeting and greeting thrown in. My initial foray back into the shark tank culminated today with a morning romp with my new friend. It was a hot, sweaty, sexy morning of fucking. Now if only I had my Viking (or some other poor unsuspecting man) to take out all of my remaining sexual energy on. The Nympho has been reawakened and is raring to go, go, go! My new friend also gave me a lovely gift that I will share if it works out. If not it was still an incredibly kind gesture on his part. Hopefully, I’ll see him again soon.
Also I’ve been emailing and talking to the Viking’s GF. I’m hopeful that she is starting to believe and see that she and I really truly can be GF’s and share the Viking. I’m not a crazy psycho possessive wife. I truly do want him happy and that includes her. At least it seems that she and I are moving forward in a good way.
I won’t get to see the Viking this weekend. Probably good for me to have to stay home for a bit, that man is like my own private sexual/emotional drug! His GF flies in Thursday morning out Sunday and I fly in Sunday as she’s leaving. I’m already starting to feel the angst of those 4 days creeping in on me but I trust the Viking more now to be willing to reassure me when I need it and not feel like I’m asking too much. Now it is just a matter of sorting through the feelings this initial visit brings up and processing them without freaking out. I know most of the freak out now is all about the past emotions this has drug to the surface for me. Unfortunately, the Viking still has to help get me through them since I wouldn’t be dealing with this if he’d done this right from the start. Onward and upward!
Another busy week next week too and a bunch of stuff I need to get busy on before I leave again next weekend. For those of you in poly relationships how did you get through your dark times? For everyone - what do you think my eyes would be saying if you could see them? Thank you all for listening and for helping me through this time.
Kisses,
L
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Deliciously Sore In All the Right Places
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Posted:Mar 23, 2015 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2015 4:33 pm
105139 Views
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March 23, 2015 – Deliciously Sore In All the Right Places
We spent a long family weekend together in northern Germany this past weekend. Lil Bit had a long weekend off of school so I had the Z3 loaded up and picked her up from their half day school schedule to hit the road. The weather was a perfect sunny spring day to drive through the Dolomites and Germany. We made it just in time to have dinner at the little local restaurant at the foot of the hill his apartment is on. There was some serious make-up, furious fucking and mind blowing love making going on in the stolen moments.
Friday the Viking had to work but Lil Bit and I got to sleep in. We grabbed a pastry at the corner bakery, hopped the tram at the bottom to the hill and spent the day at the local zoo and botanical gardens. The girl is amazingly well behaved around the Viking. She goes from defiant, rude and disrespectful to clingy and lovey-dovey when we are all together. Unfortunately once we’re home it is back to Miss Attitude. Just before we left the zoo my 1st scheduled phone call with the GF came in. It was awkward and odd but if that helps her accept and work through this then I’m ok with it. Friday after the Viking got home we walked a bit further to have dinner at the different place. We also climbed up a few flights of stairs to a train overpass with a gorgeous view of the city. The Viking and I plan to make a return visit to that particular place when we are -free for some freaky public sex. Between the pole dancing class, the traveling and the binge sex fests going on I am sore, bruised and battered in some interesting places.
Saturday we all got to sleep in. The Viking and I woke up fucked, cuddled, slept and repeated several times before we finally got out of bed and woke up Lil Bit. We had Pizza Hut for lunch! Yummy! We got our family photo matching shirts bought in record time. The fates smiled upon us by having a double feature at the movies that Lil Bit wanted to go see! We bought her tickets and snacks, left her money and her phone. She had a great time and we had a few hours to hash out some of the rough spots, add a few new sore spots and sooth some hurt. We went out for Chinese after her 2nd movie let out. The Chinese in Germany is much closer to what we are used to so we have to take advantage of it when we can get it.
I’m starting to feel like my footing is back on familiar solid ground again in our relationship. Now I’m just praying the Viking is truly done being a prick. I think I understand how and why the email affair got so out of hand before he clued me in. I don’t like it and I’m not going to tolerate it on any repeated basis but I think I understand it. For me I need to understand why and how something happened before I can move past it. It is going to take some time to get over the Jekyll & Hyde and stiff arming he was doing to me for the entire month since I found out. Being a bully is not cool and neither is trying to push my boundaries beyond where I say that’s enough. I’m hoping that we’ve made the turning point so that at least the Viking and I can get back on the same page.
Of course just dealing with the growing pains of across the board polyamory isn’t enough the Viking found out Thursday that we may not be able to stay here. They may force us to move back stateside and then move again in less than a year when the Viking finishes this assignment. It is really stupid and they are working to see which exception we’re going to have to get to knock some sense into the widgets. The bottom line is that we may be facing a move in the fall and again in the spring or summer. The Viking said to give it 2 weeks before I start the moving gears into motion. I’m fervently praying that the widgets use some common sense and we get to stay put for the year then move to his next place. I hate moving and we have all kinds of plans already in place for the summer, fall and winter.
I’m working hard on finding my inner peace and just accepting what I can’t change until it becomes something I can change. I went back to the pole dance class today for the 2nd time. Monday’s class is just for us Americans but there are several things I can’t do because of my neck. It is still fun and a good workout. I’m going to start going twice a week for pole dance class and maybe twice for Zumba at least once if it is modern music I know and not the Latin stuff I can’t dance to. I’m down to 144 lbs. so I’m determined to get the rest of the 14-20 lbs. off that I want gone before we go back to the states in June and then to the Czech Reb for the IVF. I want to be in the best shape of my life when I go for the IVF and if it doesn’t work at least I know that we did all we could.
Some of the things that have changed since the “Reveal” as we are all calling it have made me realize that there were some decisions I allowed the Viking to make for us both that I really shouldn’t have agreed to and won’t again. We cannot cut the poly, swinging, and freaky side of ourselves or our relationship without causing damage to us and the relationship. I don’t think we would be in this painful transition if we hadn’t stopped everything and went monogamous vanilla couple overnight. With only 2 exceptions in the 2 years we’ve been here that is what our relationship has been. Not a healthy thing for either of us. We both need outside influences for various reasons. I was wrong to assume that since the Viking put that restriction on us he was somehow responsible for all of my needs. The restriction should have been refused and renegotiated from the start but I blindly trusted his judgment and didn’t properly set my own boundaries.
I’m meeting a potential new paramour for coffee/tea this week. Ideally, I’d really like a friend and a lover. Someone to escape with from time to time. I’m hoping it will work out if nothing else than for the distraction it will give me from obsessing about the Viking’s new relationship and how it affects me. Having someone to lean on when the Viking is away is a really great help and comfort. When we were separated before having the Cub was a huge way for me to channel emotions and get relief and release. I hate that I’m just now getting to explore having a European lover when I could be leaving in the fall but I also don’t want to give up the chance when we may not move at all. My potential paramour sounds very interesting. He’s very sexy, handsome and well equipped. Interestingly he’s not Italian. I’m not really sure what he’s looking for so it is hard to know how much of a match we really are. Hopefully I’ll get some answers to that this week when we meet. I’ll be sure to let you pervs hear how the 1st date goes.
The 4 days before Easter are going to be killer hard for me. The GF will be here and I know I’m going to have to fight really hard not to reach out for him just out of fear. Right now I just keep telling myself we have 6 weeks after that to rebuild, repair and rejuvenate. I also realized this weekend that a lot of my reaction is based in the demons of my past. That doesn’t excuse the Viking letting all the demons loose on me but my reactions were exaggerated as a result of them and the recovery time will be longer as a result. I’ve got a lot of repacking my demons in the baggage I carry because of this.
Sunday was just packing up and getting on the road. The weather held off and got sunnier as we headed south until we were driving into a beautiful Italian sunset as we passed the Dolomites in their purple sheer cliffs. Today was back to a full calendar, classes, meetings, errands, paperwork for the charity, for the IVF, it is just never ending. Wish me lots of luck this week and keep your fingers crossed for good news on all fronts. Stay sexy and love each other well.
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