3 Nuns
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Posted:Jun 4, 2015 10:41 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2015 6:28 am
4193 Views
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3 Nuns are at the Pearly Gates, a Mother Superior, an Older Sister, and a Young Noviate who hasn't even said her vows yet.
St Peter says, "We're really glad you are here as we have lots of important work to do, but first you have to answer one last question before you can come in."
The Noviate is deeply worried that she won't be able to answer her question.
St Peter says to the Mother Superior, "Mother, your question is, 'Who Was The First Man?'" She immediately answers, "It was Adam." And the Angels sang, and the Trumpets blared and the gates opened so she could enter.
St Peter turns and says to the Older Nun, "Sister, your question is, 'Who was the First Woman?'". She immediately answers, "It was Eve." And the Angels sang, and the Trumpets blared and the gates opened so she could enter.
Now the Noviate is really worried, as obviously the Mother Superior and the Older Sister got the easy questions because they had more experience, and she would get a question she could not answer.
St Peter turns to her and says, "Now your question is, 'What Was the First Thing Eve Said to Adam?'" The Noviate looked down with a wrinkled brow, and said with her hand beside her cheek, "Oh dear, that's a hard one...", And the Angels sang, and the Trumpets blared and the gates opened...
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Getting Older
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Posted:Jun 3, 2015 5:12 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:25 pm
4224 Views
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Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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Cussing at Work
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Posted:Jun 1, 2015 10:15 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2015 3:51 pm
4030 Views
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Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Short ones
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Posted:May 28, 2015 6:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2015 10:15 am
4267 Views
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Short ones
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say F___?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo."
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
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lie detector robot
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Posted:May 27, 2015 8:27 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2015 2:08 am
3997 Views
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A father buys a "lie detector robot" that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to test it out at dinner.
The father asks his what he did that afternoon. The says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the . The says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the .
says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your ."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
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Impossibilities in the world
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Posted:May 25, 2015 10:57 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:25 pm
3917 Views
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Impossibilities in the world
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
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Posted:May 25, 2015 10:55 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:25 pm
3917 Views
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Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active! -and anyone, for that matter!
1. Johnny's mother had three . The first was named April. The second was named May.
... What was the third 's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
... What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
... what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole
... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English language
... is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
... How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
... Why not?
8. What was the President's name
... in 1975?
9. If you were running a race,
... and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
... how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny 's mother had three ... The first was named April The second was named May. What was the third 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on... ]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many
haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
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The Pastor's Ass
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Posted:May 24, 2015 7:02 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2015 9:09 am
3891 Views
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The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won!!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in other races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day...
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As I've Matured...
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Posted:May 22, 2015 9:05 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:25 pm
3919 Views
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As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. and, finally...
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
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Getting Old?
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Posted:May 21, 2015 9:49 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2015 5:21 pm
4122 Views
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend,
Is the definition of 'OLD'!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker Came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'96, ' she replied: 'Two years younger than me'
'So you're 98, ' the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Not hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' The preacher exclaimed. 'Why
Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
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-in-law
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Posted:May 20, 2015 4:31 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2015 1:49 am
4096 Views
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As a woman passed her 's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'
The replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, with a cold beer, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching hockey with my -in-law.
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Noah's Ark : Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
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Posted:May 20, 2015 4:29 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2015 9:50 am
4035 Views
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Noah's Ark : Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 90 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals
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Balls_2
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Posted:May 18, 2015 4:14 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 5:25 pm
3855 Views
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Two farmers were sitting out front of the community store on old wooden drink crates turned on edge. There's a hound lazing around in the dust. This hound reaches back and licks his balls.
One farmer says to the other, "I sure wish I could do that."
His buddy tells him, "Go ahead, he looks like a calm one to me."
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To link to this blog (LightMeUp4U) use [blog LightMeUp4U] in your messages.
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