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Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007
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Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007 Daily Dose of Humor for FEB-22-2007 Run for the hills boys, it's time for the ladies to extract a little well earned revenge! The Breasts Of An Eighteen Year Old and The... This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up." In The Anatomy Class A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the ..." It's What You Do With It That Counts A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with ." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!" Women Jokes Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Can take the piss out of them on the internet (so brave)! Overcoming the Embarrassment A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" Secrets Of A Successful Marriage There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!" Overly Suspicious Women Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs!" A few mixed Jokes LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES Getting Monday Off Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday. The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." I Know The Whole Truth At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug." Diary of a Viagra housewife… Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem’. It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5 What absolute bliss!!. Day 6 Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that. Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice - I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over…. Day 11 I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig. Day 12 I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous… Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard. Day 14 I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me! Day 15 I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did. Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18 He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss! TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY… 10.. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9.. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8.. See if they could finally do the splits. 7.. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6.. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5.. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time. 4.. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3.. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2.. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1.. Finally find that damned G-spot. TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY… 10.. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9.. Get a blow job. 8.. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7.. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6.. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently. 5.. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4.. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3.. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2.. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1.. Repeat number 9…… This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!" "Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?" Joke:Three Men And Old Lady There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman. "C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks. She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me." The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends. "You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her." "Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy. "Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!" "Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says. He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers. "W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl. "Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me." "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell. "What do you want for some water?" "You have to have sex with me." Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen. "Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window. "Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars." "Then lay back and close your eyes again." This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes. "If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert." "Eyes closed," he says. Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms. "Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy. So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window. One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!" BIZARRE REAL LIFE animal LAWS In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump. Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California. In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell. In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter. You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a and cause it to panic. In Wanassa, New Jersey, a is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying." Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If: - People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. - The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," then five guys and two women stand up. - Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. - A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." - With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. - Baptism is referred to as "branding." - People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. Joke: Fu*ckin' Chocolate A lady walks into an ice cream parlor and order's a scoop of chocolate ice cream. The proprietor quickly responds "I'm sorry mamm, but we are all out of chocolate." The lady looks confused and gazes down through the glass of the ice cream case and then looks back up at the man and asks for a pint of chocolate. The man replies a little annoyed stating once again that he is out of chocolate ice cream. The lady then seems to get the point and walks down to the end of parlor. She then looks back up and says "excuse me sir?" "Can I get a gallon of chocolate?" At this point the owner becomes upset. "Mamm. Do me a favor please?" "O.k." The woman replied. "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?" "Sure. S T R A W." "Good mamm." The owner said gently. "Can you spell the Van in Vanilla?" "Yes. V A N." The lady said confidently. "Now can you spell the Fuck in chocolate?" The owner said smartly. The lady looked up at the ceiling in thought then replied, "There is no Fu*ck in chocolate." "Well Mamm." The owner said. "That's what I have been trying to tell you." "There is NO FU*CKIN' CHOCOLATE." No Need to Run The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom.off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!" Cat & A cat and a are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home, get the ferari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in so you can pull me out." "No way.", exclaimed the , "There isn't enough time. I'll back up, get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out." "That'll never work!", said the cat. "Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice." "OK, dude, go for it." The backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand. The moral of this story? If you're hung like a , you don't need a ferrari to get a little pussy. Unlocking The Door John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock." thats it for today |
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Thanks for the laughs! Fondly, Charlie's ex 
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any time
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