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Starting a new life
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Starting a new life Been awhile since I've been back to this. Lots has gone on,some good some not so good. She is all settled in her new place, and at first she was like someone who is on their own for the first time. Lots of people at her place keeping late hours. That has now slowed and she seems to be coming back to a normal routine. We see each other every Tuesday for dinner and at least one day/night on the weekend. I have been tracking her phone calls and texts. The guy I have suspected all along shows up frequently and other people that I not familiar with. We have been seeing a counselor and I did get her to admit finally that yes she has been with other men. (no surprise there). she has gotten close to a woman that we had gotten to know the start of this year. I was wary of her because she is just a bit to crazy. Always thinks she is the "life' of the party,when in reality she is annoying and obnoxious. I caught the way her husband reacts when she gets like this and can tell it pisses him off sometimes to the point of him leaving a party or gathering. My wife has formed a bond with this goof because she says that her husband is "controlling". It got back to me from another friend of ours that she has been "guiding" my wife through the counseling process. Telling her not to divulge to much during these sessions to me or the counselor. So I have decided that going to seek help is a terrible waste of time. She is basically telling him what he wants to hear. I practically stood on my head and said that the "controlling issues" is a kinard (spelling). The problem we are having is she wants to be able to be with who she wants when she wants. As I said before, we were in the "lifestyle" and had no problem sharing her with others as long as it was a couples activity. Actually that was her rule when we started. Then after a long drought of no swinging as I said before we didn't play anymore and I thought we had just moved on. Sorry i think i may have gotten a bit of track and redundant. We have had some discussions between ourselves but she keeps on saying that she is confused doesn't know what she wants for herself. Such bullshit. We have lost 2 couples as friends and once this gets out into the general public others will fall away as well. These people have assured me that they will stand by my side and can count them as friends. We have been getting along a bit better as of late but whenever i bring up that we should have a talk she finds away to deflect. Monday she was here for dinner and to watch a community meeting on local cable channel. She had worked on a project 2 ago and worked her ass off to get the program running. Last year, she was asked to take over for another because he wasn't a good fit for his job and that they would be swapping positions. At first she was livid, but soon realized it was a much better place for her. She dove in and straightened up the mess that this guy had made and inside of 2 months had reversed the mess he had made. Then over the summer her position was funded with even more money to further the programs she had put in place, which allowed them to do some amazing things. She had it all laid out what was needed to be done in the event that the grant was approved. Well Monday night this guy is reporting the the board all of the wonderful things that were happening and going to happen. Took complete credit for everything not even mentioning her or her team. She was livid and so was I because I also think that the pressures of her job didn't help our marriage either. So she left went back to her place. About an hour later she texted me and thanked me for dinner and apologized for being a baby about the meeting on TV. She said she felt like a big failure and that when this was shown on TV to the public she felt thrown under the bus. She expected some protection from their supervisor. I told her i knew exactly how she feels. I likened it to what we are going through right now. We (  have spent 20 together, a lot of tears laughs etc gone trough. Finally we get to a place where the BS should be ending grown and doing well, making good money great friends, great family. Now she wants to throw it all away and some other guy waltzes in and "steals" the benefits of the we ( put in. So, I told her I was proud of her for what she accomplished at work , and she needs to have a discussion with her supervisor and respectfully let him know of your displeasure. She thanked me for being supportive, and that dinner was awesome. I said "I told you it was going to be! She said yes for once you were right. I said no matter what your'e my wife and I will still be supportive. She said she didn't deserve me. She then asked" what if we aren't meant to be together?"I said if we weren't we wouldn't be still talking, I know I was meant for you and you need to get clarity and figure it out. She said this "breaks her heart" and when will it become clear. She says she is confused and I amazing. She said she just doesn't know what she wants and is scared. She said "liked that we were "non Conventional" but now I want to be conventional. Not sure where she fits in. I told her we to once and for all have an honest discussion about our marriage and not be so deceptive with each other.My preference would be conventional but if we could be honest about what we want our marriage to be it could work. If the only way I keep you in my life is an open marriage then I could work with that but with some guidelines. We just to be honest with each other. We are going to have a open discussion this weekend, without any alcohol present. I hoping that we can get this done. i exhausted with the way my life is now. Either fish or cut bait as we say here in the northland. |
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10/24/2018 12:52 pm |
Tell me what you think, love to hear some input
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Sounds like you are a good man and are fighting for your wife. That's pretty frickin rare. Bringing others into your marriage thinking it's just sex seems like a way to spice things up but I am a firm believer you open that door, you can't ever close it. A bell you can't un-ring. I hope you two work it out. Don't give up. And tell her you won't give up. That you know her better than anyone and love her still and will always be there for her. Will others do that? Can she honestly say that? I would be not.
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Can I suggest a change, for future lengthy posts like this? It is very informative, but would be Much Easier To Read, if you broke it into paragraphs every once in a while. Now to the issues you are questionning: It sounds to me, like she is going through the normal growing pains of having been in a long marriage, with (perhaps) pre-conceived notions of how it was all going to work. But now, your kids have left home and there is more opportunities for freedom, that may not have been there before. It also sounds like she Has NO Clue what she wants. Her heart may be telling her 1 thing, while her brain tells her another. She is probably confused. She has obviously "tested the waters" without being fully aware of the implications, when she went outside the agreed-upon parameters. It also sounds like she wants to blame someone else (like YOU), because she made some bad choices, and had to pay the consequences. In MY experience, swinging only works if there is Complete Trust and Open, Honest Communication between the partners. She opened up this can of worms -only she can put a lid on it, and keep the lid closed. Plus, she may be feeling some guilt. I hope you can have some quality dialogue about how this has affected both of you - and hopefully that will enable you to work together to strengthen your marriage, if that is what you both want. Good Luck. Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
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A Few Major Questions: When you previously swung, what was the reason why you did so? Was it to add "excitemenet" to your sex life? Did she partner with other men, for herself - or because you liked it? Was she accepting when you partnered with other women? Did the play change from couples ONLY, with BOTH of your consent, or was it to alleviate 1 party's fears or insecurities? Were you always able to have open, honest and non-judgmental communication, along the way - as your swinging life changed. Your handle leads me to questions - was 1 of you getting more out of it than the other? Swinging and polyamory CAN make a strong marriage stronger. However, the opposite is also true - because it can widen cracks in one where the foundation may not be as strong as it could be. Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
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10/24/2018 4:30 pm |
don't beat yourself up over this, at some point you will realize that you are wasting time- where you live there is always finding a woman who will fish, there are millions of other women out there, cheers A
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