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| Blogs > rm_ezrider1305 > Bouncings of a Space Hopper |
Thoughts.
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Thoughts. So the phone has been going mad the last few days... I dragged myself out of the barn and headed back to London. Pitched into a couple of interviews and then panic set in. Can I still do this? Its nuts, this self doubt can kill. I had the same thing before, every time I do something memorable. Or perhaps thats why I remember it. I've had the same thing before doing the Olympic thing, even running the awards for Special Olympics last year. Yet now I feel curiously detached from it all despite the words of encouragement from everyone. I feel as if life has decided to take a different path and I'm sitting here on one road watching the traffic turn and go the other way. On the plus side if I believe what I'm told with the opportunity I'll blow it into the next century but its getting it thats killing me. I've decided dating isn't really my thing. People looking for a spark they can't define, living on coffee and loving to walk on the beach at sunset. Theres a whole bunch of disappointed insomniacs trying to find their way home in the dark. I read what I just put down and I sound like a grumpy old man. Makes me smile... I am so not that type. I have had dates. One turned out to be a bit of a rottweiler and boasted of all the people shes had chopped from their job, which didn't rest easy with me. Another seemed a little quiet, we agreed to see each other again, then she mixed up my phone number with someone else of the same name and sent me some stuff which clearly demonstrated we weren't going to. One woman said I fascinated her... then tried to set me up with her best friend. Who wasn't in the least bit interested. That conversation was fun, I had to laugh afterwards. On the plus side theres a Polish ex model I've seen a couple of times (although shes more focused on her job - I had to wait an hour and a half for her late at one point) and a Mexican jumping bean semi professional ballet dancer who is bundles of fun... they both live over 150 miles away. We have yet to meet though. I have to laugh. My ex commented that I seem incapable of finding a normal person now, and god knows what my think. One thing I do know is that with the opportunity I'll be out of the barn and back in circulation. And probably dangerous  At least I can foray into the CityHookups.com chat rooms now with the same level of detachment and mild amusement at the trolls that live there. I'm back in the gym and the figure is coming back. Slowly, but theres time. Theres a little flab over my abs that a couple of weeks will get rid of, then some pec work. The sedentiary lifestyle hasn't helped but by midsummer I'll be in a position to break out the baby oil and do some more pics like the profile one I had taken for my old gym a few years back. Someone will be lucky if they don't turn the other way. As I write this the phone has gone again. Gadzooks. A role in Wandsworth. Lets see if I can land it before my birthday. When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better  |
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you're so right about that self-doubt being able to kill! or at least cripple! i don't have any bright ideas about how to get rid of it because i succumb to it all the time too! i'm glad there's new doors opening up for you. and, i think, the way we connect with people at different stages of our life, is different. and i hope you get to meet those fun/far away ladies soon! =) your ex doesn't know normal. lol   --Author Unknown
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