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| Blogs > 49AK > Out of the Ordinary |
Use it or Lose It
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Use it or Lose It I was having a conversation with an CityHookups.com friend of mine about the contrast between meeting people here, and meeting people in some sort of "normal" setting... in other words, meeting people without the aid of a website or chats or email. My friend made the point that she thought that there weren't any compatible people in her area... and if it weren't for CityHookups.com, she'd never find anyone... even if it is the case that the people she is finding here are not really perfect matches. I didn't agree with her that compatible people didn't exist where she lived, but that it was just exceedingly difficult to find them. It doesn't matter whether you're talking about CityHookups.com or some other personals site. A personals site does one thing for you that you that gives you a tremendous advantage over doing things the old-fashioned way: People join personals sites because at least at some level, they entertain the idea of meeting new people. That isn't to say that everyone that is on CityHookups.com is looking to get laid right here, right now - in fact, how misleading is that slogan on the sign-in page: "Meet Real Sex Partners - Tonight?" For most people, CityHookups.com is a long-term project. But think about it... gather together one hundred people off the street, and the CityHookups.com members in that group are a lot more likely to want to hear from you than the others are. And that is the challenge that you face when you walk into whatever setting you choose, where you might hope to meet someone new. How do you separate the people that are looking to meet someone from the hopelessly monogamous or perpetually celibate? The answer is, you can't. Or at least, you can't, without investing a tremendous amount of time and effort, and the chance for reward is very small. I have been working on a combination experiment/personal growth project, where I decided I would try to meet someone completely without the assistance of CityHookups.com. Now, for those of you that don't know me, my situation is complicated, at least in the real world, because I am in an open, poly relationship... so meeting someone that is receptive to that sort of thing is a bit of a challenge. Needless to say, my experiment has not been too fruitful. One of the reasons that I decided to try to meet someone outside of CityHookups.com was that meeting people has never been something that I was particularly good at in the first place, and I was concerned that if I stopped working on that part of my social development, that I would lose whatever skills I might have had to develop a relationship of any type without the aid of a website. I was worrying that my social skills were atrophying. I don't really think that is the case, but regardless, the contrast between meeting people online and in other contexts is striking. I made the point to my friend that if you viewed the process of meeting someone as a bit of a quiz, where you had to answer the first question correctly in order to get on to the second, and the second to get to the third, etc. that meeting someone in "real life" was like a thousand-question quiz, where meeting online is perhaps only fifty. Now I don't mean to make it sound like someone is going to interrogate you... It is just about getting the details right, and by doing so, you're facilitating the conversation. So imagine you're in the grocery store, and you see someone that looks vaguely interesting. Is she wearing a ring? No. Does she look like she's dressed to attract the attention of men? Yes. Does she make eye contact with you? Yes. So, you go over to her, and strike up a conversation... You say to her, "Wow, this is a really good price for cucumbers..." She looks at you for a moment, and says, "Do I need to call security?" FAIL! And at question four! It isn't that you don't fail on CityHookups.com, either. What is different is that you start off much further down the road than you do when you're standing in the produce section of the grocery store, or at a bar, or at work, or in a classroom at the community college. In real life, you might spend weeks getting to the point of actually asking for a phone number... and after those weeks, you're still just at the point where most of us are starting from on CityHookups.com... and we might be corresponding with five different people on CityHookups.com. You have to hit a lot of produce sections to match that kind of effort in real life. I am a little concerned that if I had to meet people without the aid of a computer that it would be exceedingly difficult for me. As an academic exercise, my project is rather fun. But if it comes down to actually getting results, it is hard to imagine choosing the old-fashioned way over emoticons and email. If you're still with me at the end of this treatise, I am curious... when was the last time you met someone that wasn't from CityHookups.com... and do you find the difference between CityHookups.com and "real life" to be a big deal? |
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I've met people through our business, and it's all good. Now that I'm not on bedrest and miserably pregnant - I'm meeting new people all the time. I tend to strike up a conversation with anyone I'm restricted to a space with for more than five minutes. In the line at the grocery store, at the dentists office, everywhere. The reason we meet people through here is like you said, convenience. We get to find out in advance which couples we meet share our lifestyle and which don't. The only thing I HAVE to do is eat, shit, and die. Everything else is a choice.
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Well, I am kinda an outgoing sort, so I make friends easily in any case. But it seems to be easier with ppl I meet on line, because we have taken the time to get to know one anothers opinions and desires and thoughts, without the 'judging by appearances' thing happening. "Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson  
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