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| Blogs > 49AK > Out of the Ordinary |
Torn, Part Three
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Torn, Part Three On January 1, I resolved to go back to the gym. I did. Having been through this cycle before, I knew that it was going to take a week or so of forcing myself to go every day before I would develop that addiction/compulsion to go every day. I did that. Soon, I was going twice a day. I loved it. I was spending a couple hours a day at the gym. As an aside... part of what drove me was a little mental exercise I did. I asked myself, "What does the most fit person I know do?" I asked this because I realize that being fit is really a lifestyle... it isn't just about just exercise and eating right, it is about living right. I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make when trying to get back into shape is to add exercise and diet to their lives, without changing the other "out of shape" behaviors in their lives. There's a conflict between being "in shape" at the gym and at the dinner table, and being out of shape in your heart and mind. The most fit person I know is a triathlete. She's a bit obsessive about it all, but she goes to the gym twice a day. Not that I think that is all that healthy ultimately, but it is probably a better problem to have than the one I have been struggling with. In mid February, a friend contacted me and told me she'd be coming to Alaska to run a marathon in June... and she wanted to do 'an adventure' after the marathon. So in addition to my personal desire to get into shape, I now had the additional motivation to get into good enough shape to be able to keep up with a marathoner on an 'adventure'. It was intoxicating. I loved going to the gym. I loved doing seven miles a day on the elliptical machines. I had really transformed myself. I was losing weight... my clothes were falling off of me. I felt better. I looked better. People commented about it. By the time June came around, I had lost about fifty-five pounds. As crappy as my knees are, I could actually run again. I could hike ten miles, and not even think twice about it. I had become an athlete. I was still a lot heavier than I needed to be, but I was at least in shape. My resting heart rate was around 50. Once I got going, getting in shape was easy for me. But once summer came, and there were other distractions, like fishing, it was really hard to make time to go to the gym. The routine was broken, and once that happened, external influences started to vie for my time and attention, and once July came along, I had abandoned the gym. I was very active over the summer, so I didn't backslide too much, but you don't eat as well when you're on the road a lot, like you are during the Alaskan summer. By fall, the habit was dead, and I have been struggling with it ever since. I loved that guy... the guy I became. I hated that I was letting myself be torn in other directions. Being angry and upset has led me right back to that bad lifestyle that I found so hard to overcome in the first place. And now, I am no longer that guy. I've made some progress getting back on track... I've been working on getting my diet back under control... but I still can't make the gym thing happen again. I've been making a conscious effort to go back since September, but I can't even get myself to set foot in the building, much less work out. Here's some of what the voices in my head are saying about this: "You don't have to go today. What you really want to do is go when you know you can be successful, so find all those impediments, solve them, and then get right back into two-a-days." "You know that once you start getting into a routine, some thing will happen, and you won't be able to keep it up" "It's going to be crowded" "You're going to go and get on that scale, and it is going to be so high, you can't believe it." I still see my New Years resolution as a partial success. But the other day, I realized that it was the end of December, and that I was in danger of ruining my resolution, at least in an academic sense. I would be miserable if I got to January 1, and I hadn't gotten back to working out. All in all, I am still in much better shape than I was a year ago... but there are two problems. First, I am totally on the wrong road. Second, and more importantly, I haven't found the formula that makes "life change" happen, as opposed to "habit change". Why the fuck not? |
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You know, it took cancer and a year and half of therapy to make "life change" happen for me. I don't beat myself up for missing days at the gym now. However, it is of vital importance to me - very likely a life-saving endeavor. I consider it as important as my cancer drugs. And, really, exercise is probably the greatest factor in lifelong health for everyone. But even knowing that intellectually doesn't always help. What works for me is major motivating goals - like your "adventure." I got my ass in shape last year by signing up for a half-marathon and telling everyone I know I was doing it - had to be held accountable! I'm doing it again this year AND organizing a dozen people to do it with me. I think I'll need to plan for another in the fall, so that I can't quit training this summer. "I could do this all day."       Visit Utterly Magical
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I have no words of wisdom on this. Obviously, it's been quite a while since I've worked out regularly. I loved the person I was back then but I barely remember her and I'm sure she'll have changed. Keep us posted on your progress....I need inspiration too.
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