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| Blogs > AtomicArtist0 > Atomic Blog |
So You Think You're Funny? ...How'd You Like To Work For Me?
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So You Think You're Funny? ...How'd You Like To Work For Me? In June of ‘05 I had an inkling in my head that I’d start a blog on one of them there sex sites and maybe meet some hunnies and get laid occasionally. Even back then when I was just emerging from the primordial ooze, I knew I wanted to do something outrageous…something special…something like you wouldn’t read anywhere else. I already had a kick in the ribs sense of humor, a unique outlook on life and an uncanny way with words so I started my very first post…with the crass horoscopes. The horoscopes…and the rest of my blog quickly became a hit and ever since, I’ve started nearly every month with what turned out to be Blogland’s only…and longest lasting monthly feature. Even with recycling readings…and there have been a lot of recycled horoscopes…all told I have scripted over a thousand original short, snappy, insulting little jokes written in future tense and disguised as your personal forecast. Some, I’ve been told have rung a bit too true to life even as weird and absurd as I tried to make them. It turns out people really enjoy being insulted by me. I know…who would have thunk it? You women and men alike have stated that you’ve been giddy with anticipation…like a on Christmas morning…just waiting for me to gently grab you by the hair and whisper into your ear that you’re going to wake up next to a dead midget or get molested by a chimpanzee sometime this week. You people love that! Hell, it kinda turns me on just thinking about it! I want to do that again with a gusto but let me tell ya, comedy…good comedy is hard. If my blog was once akin to grabbing you by the crotch and taking you on a wild roller coaster ride to hell, now with my infrequent posts, its safe to say its more like that disappointing horsey ride outside of Walmart…the one that you put a quarter into and it gently rocks you back and forth for like thirty seconds. Trust me, the whole experience is somehow made better if you’re drunk. And naked. And your friends are laughing and pointing at your wiener. Sometimes this grizzled old wants to sit back with his hunnies and just let the whole crass horoscope franchise float away for good…but then I think of the alternatives. Some truly unfunny dimwit with their copy/pasted jokes would suddenly become the best thing around. They’ll masturbate every night with a shoehorn in a self congratulatory frenzy because not only are they popular because they show their tits occasionally, but they will also be deemed funny! And for the love of God, you know I can’t have that stewing on my conscience! Not to mention you , giddy for your crass horoscopes like on Christmas morning, will be sorely disappointed like…well…like you Jewish on Christmas morning. Yanno…the ones who have to go to the Chinese restaurant because it’s the only place open in town. Its never the good restaurants either…they’re always the places that smell like the inside of a prosthetic leg and give you fortune cookies after the meal that say…”That wasn’t chicken!” The alternatives are disappointing as hell…and that’s why I’m coming to you for help. So you think you’re funny? Do you have a few good horoscope ideas stewing around in that noggin of yours? How’d you like to work for me then? Simply relay your horoscope ideas to me anyway you can…inbox, yoohoo IM, phone…whatever. Or let me know that you are maybe interested in writing some horoscopes and I’ll send you sort of an inspirational how-to-get-started packet in your inbox. Like most awful jobs you will work for no pay, no health benefits AND you will be subject to sexual harassment! If you’re female, I’ll probably compliment your bazoons and tell you how much I’d like to bend you over a pool table…and if you’re male I might muse about the hunnies I porked in college. It’ll be just like the workplace in the 70’s all over again except I don’t have a cheap suit, a bad combover and an ashtray on my desk piled high with cigarette butts. Should you choose to work with me, we’ll converse about the horoscopes either by electronic media or in person over drinks if you have the convenience of geographic proximity…where I’ll probably motorboat the hell out of your tits! If you provide some good ideas for me (short jabs to the ribs are always more effective than long, convoluted ideas) then I will cite you as a guest writer in the little write-up on the horoscope post. Adversely, I can also reserve the right to dismiss any or all of your ideas or tweak them slightly as I deem fit. But if you work out really well, then your ideas will be featured along with mine every month. You can be a regular contributor to the crass horoscopes and who knows…I give unique gifts and dedications to my monumental commenters, so maybe the regular contributors will also get similar treatments. So does this sound good to you? Then relay your ideas or your interest in helping out to me. The first of the month is looming near and I have no fresh ideas. Either we recycle old horoscopes again…steal them from The Onion directly (which I really don’t want to do)…ditch the whole franchise altogether…or better yet, kick start new life into the whole shebang! Good luck everyone…we’re all counting on you. Did you ever get that fortune cookie that says “Pay and get out, Round-Eyes”? Hah!  |
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testes. testes. one, two...three. is this thing on? damned website!
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You know I'm in.
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Hello  I can't imagine you would need help!! I've been away from this site for a long while . . . but, you are the master of words, always seem to have something to say, and are the best at come-back replies!
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Actually I do; that's the size I have to get to be comfortable {stupid ass pointy shoe creatures most of the time when my feet don't point}.  
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I want to read my horoscope in 4 days Damn It!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, wth . . . u upgraded huh?? So, you're too busy perving profiles or something? Get to writing some insulting scopes!!!!!!
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