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| Blogs > rm_bella_ > Confessions Of An Italian |
The Cost Of Trust
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The Cost Of Trust I feel a sense of excitement, happiness and fear tonight that I have not felt for a very long time. Expectations that had for myself I did not reach. I did not act the way I had envisioned nor fall into the same pattern I usually weave. Last night I went out with the blue eyed police officer. He came to pick me up on time dressed in black pants and a black shirt. He brought me a single red rose that he handed to me and expressed how beautiful I looked, how nervous he was and how happy he was that I agreed to go out with him. He was happy and nervous? He had no idea how I felt. We went for dinner at a very nice restaurant, opening and closing my door as I entered and exited the car. In the restaurant he spoke to me in a soft tone, very soft spoken he is, cultured, polite and sensitive. He kept eye contact with me constantly and brushed my hand more than occasionally. The question of age came up and for the first time in my life I was embarrassed to say I was 38 years old. I know it is because he is younger than I am and this is the first time in my life that I have been out on a date with someone younger. He said he thought I was in my mid 20’s but my true age did not seem to bother him. He listened when I spoke, he watched my body as I moved but not in that hungry way that most men look at me. I asked him to order for me as I love it when a man does this. We ate, we drank wine and slowly I began to let this wall down that surrounds my entire being. On the way out of the restaurant we walked to the car and as I got to the passenger door he kissed me. God, it felt so good. It was not a rough kiss but soft and lingering. I honestly got dizzy. In the car he asked me if I liked to dance. Fear set in. I said yes wondering if my dancing in the past would have made a difference to him. Last night I said nothing about my former part time career but told him I was a decent enough dancer. We got to the club and were waiting in line. I did not want to encourage him to come with me through a side door so we would not have to wait. We waited and we talked, him continually touching my arm, holding my hand and stroking my shoulder. I felt alive as the heat from his fingertips almost burnt my own skin. I was so attracted to him I could have easily thrown him down and had my way with him. In the club we had a drink and we danced. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way his blue eyes pierce right through me no matter what I am doing. We had one dance very close that I could feel the very essence of him as he stroked my hair and my neck, his breath all over me, his cologne mixing with my perfume. He whispered in my ear continually how happy he was to be out with me, how much he liked me, if I was tired, if I wanted something to drink, if I wanted to do something else, if I was happy, if I was having a good time. He wanted me to be happy? I wanted him more than I can put into words. The drive on the way home was beautiful. The air was warm with a cool breeze brushing over my skin and hair. His hand held mine as he drove. He walked me to the door and we stood there as I reluctantly looked for my keys. I opened the door and we basically just stood there looking at each other until he reached over and touched my lips before he kissed me. I was in la la land. I could have eaten him up at that very moment. I asked him in for a drink. He sat on the couch as I got some glasses and a bottle of wine. He opened it and poured as I put on some music. When I went to sit beside him he asked me to sit closer to him…and I did. He continually stroked my hair and shoulder while he stared at me…the eye contact was killing me. This time I kissed him, and I kissed him and kissed him. I could feel his hand moving further up my skirt touching my panties. I was wet, completely wet that I let him go on…and then I stopped him. I interrupted him with an excuse so lame he knew sex was out of the question last night. He told me he liked me a lot and didn’t want to ruin the evening if I wasn’t ready. He asked me if I was scared and what I was scared of. I denied fright and apprehension with I’m sure a less than convincing look on my face. Instead we just sat close and spoke, stroking each other in a non threatening way. He told me stories of his job, his life and himself personally trying to make me comfortable. I offered some little things about me but never as open as he had become. He said he would like to see me again and I obliged with the thought that because I wouldn’t have sex it was just his line. After he left I undressed and went to bed. About an hour later the phone rang. It was him telling me what a great time he had and how he wished he hadn’t left. I didn’t want him to leave either. We talked on the phone until morning until he had to leave for work. I like him too much….too much. I already fear the worst. I fear that all I am holding in and all that I fear will sabotage something I haven’t felt in very long time. I fear that he will realize how damaged I am and decide I am not worth the effort long term. I know that I like him. For me to refuse sex with a man that sexual, that good-looking is not in my makeup. But I did. And today I went to the beach with my friends. He called me at the beach to see if I missed him. Could I tell him that I cannot stop thinking about him, thinking about the way I felt when he touched me and he kissed me? My cards are being held very close to my chest. I am trying to reason out my feelings and keep them in check. Sex is so easy. Sex is simple. To have sex requires nothing of me…just my body. To refuse sex for the simple matter of liking someone to much is difficult. It is difficult because more than just sex requires not only of my body but my heart and soul…something that I will not give up so easily anymore. Time will tell. Time will tell a story about me and about him. Time will tell if I am capable of more at this point and if he is the man capable of receiving any of it. Fear is painful but more painful than fear is the reality of hurt itself. I cannot let myself be hurt to the extent I have been in the past. It destroys me, I destroy myself. All I can hope for is to brave enough to continue down this road that is being paved not only by me but by him. So tonight I sit in front of my blog and again I have written what is truly in my heart, my fears and my happiness, my reluctances and my desires. For it is easier writing here than actually saying the words to another. For this little blog and those friends who read it see something that nobody else knows of, the real me. They hear and feel from me what I truly hold within my heart…the things that I allow few if any to know. This little blog and all who read it, tells of my secrets and holds my secrets at the same time…this little blog. love bella  |
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8/5/2007 7:59 pm |
Excellent Bella, you are doing the right thing... get to know this man before it is too complicated. In my business I have to deal with cops on a regular basis, and while I love these guys, they can be your typical men to the core... The flip side to the coin is that if a woman cop asked me out and I was as attracted to her as you are to him, well my blog might have ended up different than yours... Follow your heart, but be aware of the future - does he know you? Check out blog whatsurpleasur. it won't hurt... much!
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8/5/2007 8:14 pm |
go with your instincts and your gut... you'll be jest fiiiiiiine  ...That which does not kill me merely pisses me off!... 
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8/5/2007 8:27 pm |
Bellz I can understand wherer ya comin from if ya like this fella then just be easy and yall get to know each other. Sex can complicate a relationship if thats all there is so feel him out and you'll know when the time is right to go further[image]just messin with this image thing hope ya like the pic roaming the cyber streets of blogland  
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8/5/2007 11:58 pm |
Not that you asked me, but I would advise you to slow things down. It wouldn't hurt to maybe tell him that you don't want to be hurt and need to have time to think things through, or sort out your thoughts. if he's as a good a guy as he seems to be (I hate to say it, but being a nice guy can be a learned thing, and some of the "nicest" guys out there have some hidden problems that only seem to surface AFTER they ahve you hooked.) Nothing against him at all, but nothing wrong with being intelligent and careful before you dive in. Just my 2 cents... you're a passion filled woman, so it's hard to think clearly when that passion is unleashed. Take your time. If he wants you he'll be there.
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I TOTALLY agree with O Sainted One on this matter. There is NOTHING wrong with protecting yourself from hurt...anyone who has ever had their heart stomped upon can relate to that  Please don't let those fears hold you back!!!!! Just allow those fears to make you cautious and nothing more. After all, this guy might not be the one. But what if he IS? Dont let your fear prevent you from finding out
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bella...you can only take one day at a time...Live it the way your heart and head tell you. Do not over analyze it...after all it is what it is...enjoy but do not be to guarded.....  []   Seduce my mind and my body
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Ohhh how romantic ! 
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that's the reason that I really like your blog!!! Because you are true!!! CIAO BELLISSIMA!!
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i agree with danteszippo..bella,i understand how you feel.. the fear within us, halts us.. ..but, you are brave bella,listen to that still small voice,and you'll never go wrong.
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Yes....everyone has said it best. I must chill out. I have become uptight in a sense and I hate it. The wind will take me where it wants me to be....it always does. Thanks to everyone...you are all better than the therapist I used to see a while back. Where can I send the checks??
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Sounds like you are following intuition...and even if you aren't...I trust you will make the decisions you need to make for you. Take it slow.
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8/7/2007 7:37 pm |
those better not have been my panties he had his hands on.....that lucky bastard! .  
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8/8/2007 1:10 am |
I won't require a check, your black panties will do nicely. please ziplock bag them and email me for my address.
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8/9/2007 2:22 pm |
Sounds like you had a wonderful evening with a wonderful man. Enjoy. Ciao Bella
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10/21/2011 10:31 am |
Great writing. I almost felt like I was there. Sorry for being such a creepy voyeur, but it was so compelling.
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